Thursday, April 22, 2010

Electricity!

Wow! I slept like a log! It was wonderful, although I would have enjoyed sleeping in a little longer!

It may sound like a great start to my day, but it actually wasn't. When my eyes opened, I saw Gordon's empty pillow and began to cry. What a way to begin a day, any day.

Lately, especially since the 8 days of stress surrounding our wedding anniversary and Easter was over, I thought I was doing fairly well. Missing Gordon, for sure. But, I felt like I was dealing better with it. Until today, that is.

The pain, sorrow and tears of grief just came back. Flowed over me again, like a wave. All because I opened my eyes and saw his empty pillow. Lord, help me, please.

The sadness I feel is so intense. I never wanted Gordon to die. My hopes and dreams were for him to recover fully; not die. I wish I could explain better the depth of my pain.

Isn't this awful?! Even writing about what occurred when I woke up, is overwhelming me. It's a good thing you're not reading a paper version, for it would be wet with my tears.

Friends have told me that this is normal. My sorrow and grief feelings will come and go, until I finally accept this horrible loss.

I realize that to some people, it isn't a loss. Some people aren't grieving Gordon, at all. Sometimes, I wish I was one of those people. Unfortunately, I'm not. I'll just have to continue praying that God will heal my heart and heal me from the intenseness of my grief.

After finally getting going, I did my normal work in the morning. My co-worker/realtor friend C arrived at lunchtime; we enjoyed sandwiches and some of my homemade soup. I had invited C, because we had clients meeting us at my home today, at 1:00 pm.

Our meeting lasted a little longer than originally anticipated. However, I was comfortable; after all, I was at home!

After our clients left, C had to be on his way, too. For some reason, I felt the need to introduce C to my neighbour/friend K.

Much to my surprise, as I introduced them, I could feel this 'electricity' in the air. I looked at C; yes, he had it. Then, I looked at K; yes, she had it. At first, I thought I was imagining it, but I knew in my heart, I wasn't. After a brief conversation, we all went our separate ways.

It was on my mind for the rest of the afternoon. I could not let it go. One minute, I thought I'd call C and ask him if what I felt happened, really did; then, I thought I shouldn't. After all, it's not any of my business.

Well, Cupid took over.

Before I left home, to go to prayer and Bible study, I just couldn't resist, so I called C. I let him know my curiosity was getting the better of me. We'd been friends a long time, so he wasn't worried about being honest. He admitted that he had felt 'electricity'. However, he said he was afraid to say anything to me, because he thought K was married; I reminded him that K is my friend who had been a widow for twenty-three years and is single.

Hmmm... This made me wonder. So, on my way out the door, I spoke with K. She openly admitted that she too had felt 'electricity', while meeting/speaking with C. K was concerned, for she thought he was married. I confirmed that C's wife had died almost a year ago and he is single. Then, she thought that maybe I designs on C. I made it clear that I had known C for many years and we were and always would be only friends.

As I left for church, I chuckled. I knew it! It was as plain as the nose on my face! And, very humourous to me, as well, for both my friends seemed like young people, while this occurred! lol :-))

Now, I suppose I shouldn't say any more on that subject, for it is really their business. However, if anything develops, I might just decide to write a little now and then, about them. Just as I do, now.

While I am glad that God provided me with a humerous, heart-warming circumstance with my two friends, I am feeling rather 'blue' tonight, realizing that my love is not here. He's gone. He won't be back. I know I'll see him again, but unless God deems it to take me 'home' to heaven, it won't be any time, soon. I miss Gordon.

Before I say 'goodnight', I would like to wish granddaughter A, a very Happy Birthday!


Until next time...