Prayerfully, I thought today would be a better day. It wasn't.
Today, I still felt rather bummed out. What really gets me, is how I can feel like this! After all, I am a believer in Jesus Christ. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself; maybe not. To be honest, I really don't know. I just know that I didn't feel any better, today.
Maybe it is just going to take a few days for me to feel better; I hope not. At 12:30 am on Saturday, April 10th, it will be exactly six months from when Gordon died. Another first. I am so very tired of feeling heartbroken. I just want this pain to stop.
Maybe I'm disappointed, because I thought that after Easter was over, I would begin to feel better. After all, to me, it represents a 'new' beginning. Just like the Christian church and the New Covenant began, after Jesus' death and resurrection.
Hopefully, I will feel better after this week is over. I must admit, I've experienced some horrible Easters in my life; no, I won't discuss them, here and now.
As a born-again Christian, I delight in knowing that because of the work Jesus did on the cross at Calvary, I have nothing to be sad about and everything to feel happy about. I'm blessed and I know it. But, as a human being, whose life has been a disaster, I'm just not feeling up to snuff.
I suppose one could say that my expectations were too high. Is it wrong of me to think that my family could be supportive of me? But, rather than be supportive, especially knowing that this is my first year without Gordon, the truth is they just weren't there for me, at all. I think that in addition to everything I mentioned yesterday, I'm feeling rather let down, about this.
No, I don't expect my children to fall all over me, but it would be nice to have had them support me and at least speak with me on Easter. Yes, P left a message on my machine, when she knew I would be worshipping at my church, but never called back at a later time. Neither B, nor K and families bothered to call, at all.
I suppose my hopes were too high. I suppose that I'm disappointed, because Easter began looking like it was going to be wonderful, with some of my family celebrating with me. Instead, it turned out to be the exact opposite. If I had no church family, I would have been totally alone, at Easter. Praise God, for my Christian family!
Easter morning, I worshipped at my church. Then, came home and found P's message. A couple of hours later, I went to worship and sing 'special music' at the small church group P previously worshipped with. Then, with a friend, I returned to my own church and worshipped at our evening service. Why not?! After all, I didn't have any other plans. Rather than be alone at home, I felt it would be better to be with fellow believers, worshipping.
A while back, in one of my previous entries, I mentioned how happy I was that K & family were going to join me for Easter dinner; I was so very happy. Then, P said she and family were going to be with us, too. I was even hopeful that B & family would join us. First K backed out, then B said her family would not be there. After hearing from P on Friday that she didn't want to share Easter dinner with me at my home, I felt rather hurt, especially when she said she would prefer to just stay home and make it a 'family' day. After the shock wore off, I asked myself, "Am I not family?" I never heard from either of my other two children, nor any of my grandchildren, over Easter; not even a message.
It makes me wonder how their children will treat them, when they are adults. After all, if Grandma isn't important now, then Grandparents won't be important to their grandchildren. It breaks my heart thinking that they are teaching their families how to treat them, in the future.
Maybe I'm making too much of this. Maybe not. At the moment, I don't know and I don't care. I just know that no matter what and when in my life, 'family' has always been my elusive dream.
All my life, all I ever wanted was a close-knit, loving family; right from childhood. God has shown me that my dream has been just that, a dream. It's never been part of God's plan for my life. So, why should I be so upset, now?
Again, I must say that I think it's because while I can usually handle the day-to-day stress of my life, I'm feeling rather 'down', being overwhelmed with just too much to deal with. Father, if there was one question I would like the answer to, it would be, "How much more will I have to experience of Refiner's fire?" I am thankful I cling to the promises that God made in His Word. I know that I'll get through this, because I know that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
It may sound like I'm being impatient, but I want the pain I am feeling to leave. Go. Depart from me. NOW, not later.
Tonight, I shared supper with my 'newest' friend J, who had moved here to Windsor, in September from Oakville. I was glad she called me and suggested we meet once she finished work, for it was just the tonic I needed, today. It's nice to feel like someone cares.
Maybe M, my friend from Oakville was right, when she suggested I need to move away from here. Maybe I do need a 'new beginning'. For sure, I'll be praying about this.
Until next time...