At 12:30 am, this morning, it was exactly six months since my beloved husband Gordon, died.
No one has to tell me that it was God's will; I know this. I am thankful knowing that Gordon is healed, happy and with Jesus, in heaven. Does this mean that I have to be happy that I am left behind, to live a lonely life?
I miss Gordon, more than I can say.
On one hand, it seems like the time has flown by; on the other hand, it seems like an eternity, without him. Sometimes, I wonder how I can go on.
When I left home this morning, I had several stops to make, including some for work. Then, I went to the cemetary, to Gordon's grave. It probably sounds silly, but I sang to him: Wishing You Were Here Again, from the Phantom of the Opera. If you know the song, you'll know that the lyrics speak of knowing you must say, 'goodbye'. I know that I must say, 'goodbye' to my love.
I cannot carry on in limbo, like this. Crying daily, feeling like I'm going to break apart, physically. It's obviously God's will for me to be here on earth, still. Every night, I've prayed that He would take me home, to be in heaven with Jesus and Gordon. Every morning, I wake up, still here, to suffer another day.
Somehow there has to be a way to be able to say, 'goodbye' to my love. If I don't, I don't think I will be able to move forward with my life. The pain isn't allowing me to move on; the heartbreak of what we went through, how he suffered and died, keeps me suffering.
I'm trusting in God, for everything in my life. He comes first. Gordon knew this and grew to accept it, for in the beginning of our relationship, he wanted to be first in my life. So, when I hear people comment that I need stronger faith, it's upsetting. If you knew the story of my life, you'd know that (maybe) no one could have stronger faith, than me. I know that I cannot take my next breath, unless God ordains it.
God's ways are not our ways. I have no idea why God chose to take Gordon home, instead of healing him. I don't know why God would allow me to suffer like this. He's in control of everything. Including me. Yet, I continue to suffer.
This afternoon, I picked up my friend B; we met at E's home, along with several other Christian sisters-in-the-Lord. Since today's gathering was in honour of our friend W, who will be having surgery next month and is suffering with other health problems currently, I never mentioned I had been at the cemetary, or that it is the six month anniversary of Gordon's death.
We had a wonderful time of food, fun and fellowship, together. W, brought her niece C. C was kind enough to do our nails, once again. It was a great 'girls' day, for all of us.
Unfortunately, I just heard from E, that W is at the hospital, for she is in such dire pain. If you believe in prayer, please pray for healing for W, as I have, too. Thank you. May God bless you.
God blesses me in so many ways, that sometimes I feel like I just can't believe it. This is why I can't understand why God hasn't allowed me and/or helped me to come to terms with Gordon's death.
After arriving home, I watched a DVD: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, featuring music by the Beatles, but acting/sung by the Bee Gee's, along with Peter Frampton, Steve Martin, George Burns, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Billy Preston, plus Earth, Wind & Fire, and more.
Gordon loved the Beatles music; in fact, when we were in New York City, we saw the 'Dakota' apartment building where John Lennon had lived and been killed outside of. We also visited, 'Strawberry Fields', in Central Park.
Sgt. Pepper's was one of Gordon's favourites. Of course, he loved the Beatles and their music, but that wasn't why he liked this musical, for the Beatles weren't even in it. The story line isn't actually of a serious nature, so it wasn't for the story. No, it was for another reason. It had to do with me.
Gordon told me that the first time he saw Sgt. Pepper's, he began to cry when he saw, 'Strawberry Fields', played by Sandy Farina. He felt that she reminded him of me, in appearance and in voice, when she sang. The me, that is, from before I was involved in the bus collision, when I was hit by a tractor-trailer driver.
In fact, every time he watched Sgt. Pepper's, he would cry, for it reminded him of how much my life had changed. How much I had changed. He missed the 'old' me. Unless you had experienced something like this, you probably could not understand, very well. But, I look different and became different. Like I died that day, and became someone else. Poor Gordon. He never did come to terms with that. He mourned me, ever since. But, his love for me never died.
Well, he doesn't have to mourn, now. For he is happy, healthy, healed, with his Saviour, in heaven. One thing is for sure: I'll always be Gordon's, 'Strawberry Fields'.
I'm the person mourning, now. If I could just accept what's happened, my life would be better. Once again, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. Thank you. May God bless you, richly.
Until next time...