Friday, April 30, 2010

Happy Birthday, Mom M.!

After about three hours of sleep, I woke up and had trouble going back to sleep. Ahhh... What am I going to do with me? Eventually, I drifted off, after refusing to look at the clock, once again. Still, morning came early; at least it felt that way!

Gordon's friend B, called. I hadn't heard from him in quite a while. This was unusual, for either I hear from him, or my friend J, does. B is awaiting hip-replacement surgery and I thought possibly he had his surgery earlier than expected; but, no. He hadn't; he's still waiting and hoping to get an early call from the hospital since he's on the cancellation list. Actually, I'm shocked that he has had to wait this long, because he lives in St. Thomas. This is close to London, where he will be having his surgery. Hopefully, he won't have to wait too much longer!

Later, I met with my co-worker/realtor friend C. Together, we spoke with a client, giving information that I had done research for and gathered more info. Afterwards, we shared fellowship time and a meal at a nearby restaurant (my treat): Fenton's, on Walker Rd., here in Windsor. We discussed our client, his needs and other business.

C likes Fenton's and goes there, regularly. This was only the second time I had been there and only the first time I had eaten there, for on my first visit, I only had tea. I must admit, the food was excellent! I told C that my friend V, has a daughter J, who previously worked at Fenton's, because she is daughter-in-law of the owner.

Maybe it was because I had been thinking/talking about J, but on my way back home to do more work, I dropped in on my friend V, just for a short time. V has always told me to do this, but I rarely do, even though we've known each other for about twenty-seven (27) years. To my surprise, she told me that J is working at Fenton's again and probably made our food for us. Gee, if I had known that, I would have said, 'hello'. Sorry, J. Next time!

Of course, once home, in addition to doing the work I needed to do, I heard from my co-worker/realtor friend L, who yesterday returned from Taiwan. We reviewed information regarding the work I did for her, exchanged e-mails and important stuff. Hopefully, work in progress will be completed, soon. Welcome home, L!

For supper, I decided to have something 'spicy' and recalled that the last time I bought some Indian food (no I don't home cook it!), I had frozen leftovers. So, I defrosted and reheated, tonight. That's really difficult!! lol In addition, I made rice to complete the meal. Delicious! No, I didn't pig out and eat it all; there's even enough for tomorrow's supper!

A Facebook (fb) friend commented one day that life shouldn't be about surviving, it should be more about dancing in the rain.

Well, it didn't rain, today. In fact, the weather was absolutely gorgeous. Clear, sunny and went up to a high of 82 degrees F (about 27 degrees C).

Of course, this is not what my friend on fb meant. Her reference was directed to coping with life's trials.

I wish I could say that I am dancing in the rain, but at the moment, I cannot say this is true. I must admit that I feel like I am still just surviving life and it's trials.

That's not to say that I don't have happy times, for I do. It's hard to explain what I mean. The only thing I can say, is that while I am still grieving, I just don't feel like my life is going well. I'm sure others think it is, but I just feel like I'm living in limbo.

While I am once again single; I don't feel like I am. Besides, who wants to be? Not me! No, I'm not looking for another mate, for I am not convinced that I will ever again have a soulmate, like I had with Gordon.

Yet, I'm not married, either. Gordon's gone. He'll never be back. I just feel like it is a life sentence to be left behind. No love. No companionship. No life.

I've come to the conclusion that anyone who thinks or says it is easy to just get on with your life after losing your soulmate, is either delusional or lying. The truth is, it's hard. It's horrible. It's devastating at times. And, it's lonely.

While I am thankful I had time with my Gordon and am thankful I will see him again in heaven, God's promise doesn't stop my heart from breaking.

Today, I must be extra thankful, though. For today, is the first time in recent years that Gordon will spend his Mom's birthday with her. They must be celebrating in heaven. Happy Birthday, Mom! One day I'll be there with you and Gordon. Know that I love you and miss you.

Until next time...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

News is Always Good, When God's There!

That big, bright full moon kept me awake, last night. It just beamed so brightly, that I felt like it was calling me to gaze upon it. Eventually, I turned my back to it and drifted off into a great sleep.

This morning, I didn't have to rush, for my appointment with a potential client wasn't until this afternoon. I used today, to do more computer work and caught up on some stuff that I had been putting off.

My co-worker/realtor friend L, who had been away on vacation, called me. She's home! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! Not just so she can once again take over doing her own work, either . lol Thank You for bringing her home again, safely! After all, Taiwan is very far away. L told me that she had four flights to get home from Taiwan: to Seoul, Korea; then to San Francisco, USA; then to Toronto, ON; then, to Windsor. Only someone who has travelled will understand how tiring that can be. Exciting, but exhausting. Needless to say, L is going to sleep well, tonight!

In the end, my afternoon appointment cancelled as the homeowner was feeling sick, today. There must be something going around at the moment, for a couple of my friends told me they weren't feeling well, today.

As per usual, I went to my church tonight, for prayer time and Bible study. I am so grateful that God has made this available to me. I've worshipped at C.B. for over sixteen years, now. It's like home to me.

Actually, when I arrived at church, I was greeted with some very good news. Our Pastor B, who has been senior Pastor at C.B. since our previous pastor left to teach/preach/lead a church family in Michigan, is getting married! I must admit, it is really good news. He's never been married before. Of course, he's only in his thirties, so it's not like he's really that old; in fact, young to be a senior pastor.

In case you are wondering. Yes, those of us present for prayer time did our fair share of teasing him. Especially since I had watched, Moonstruck last night, due to the full moon gleaming. I couldn't resist, so I asked him if he got down on his knee/knees to propose. After all, in real life, even as in movies (like Moonstruck), the fellow is supposed to kneel. He admitted he had; we all had a good time celebrating and teasing B. Hey! After all, we are family!

Yes, tonight's news was really good, Pastor B. Congratulations to you and your fiance, M! May God bless you both with a lifetime of happiness, good health and love, together. With God being the centre of their marriage, they cannot go wrong!

Afterwards, I stopped and saw my daughter P for a few minutes, as she lives not far from my church. In addition, I did some shopping and dropped off some, Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup mix to both my friends who weren't feeling well, today.

I know! I'll hear it from someone, I'm sure. Homemade is better! Yes; I agree that homemade is great! However, whenever I don't feel well, which hasn't been very often since I've been taking my fabulous vitamins, I find that I really need the salt and the Lipton's soup helps me feel better. Try it. I'm sure you'll agree!, I am not being paid by Lipton to promote their product. :-))

I've been thinking about what I should sing. After all, I do need to practice, especially since I am not really used to singing to music, pre-recorded or otherwise. June may seem like a long way off, but it really isn't, when I can only sing a few times per week, to practice.

Today, I decided that if I need to sing two songs to compete in each of the quarter-final and semi-final contests, in order to become one of ten people to sing at the Bluesfest in July, then I must come up with four or five, in case I need an extra song.

I already know that if I make it to sing on-stage, before a crowd at Bluesfest, I want to sing my re-written lyrical version of Sarah McLachlin's song, Angel, because I would like to honour Jesus with my music. So, I really don't need to worry about that.

However, the other music was bothering me, until today that is. Today, I decided that at least one song for each of the quarter and semi final contests, I will sing a re-written version of a popular song. Anyone who knows me, will know that I enjoy changing some lyrics, even if it is only a word or two, in order to make it a praise/worship song.

Doing this usually shocks people, if they aren't prepared. That's not my purpose. My purpose is to honour God, but in a way that even unsaved people can relate to.

Still, practice I must. Of course, if God wills this to be, it will happen. If He doesn't, it won't. Any/all prayer will be appreciated.

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

To It...and Through It...

Last night I had a real surprise. No, I didn't have a crowd waiting for me, cheering me on, for my singing. lol I was there, alone; except for the others who were either trying out or practicing for the upcoming quarter-finals contest for Bluesfest Idol 2010, in June.

Last week when I mentioned Tecumseh Roadhouse, I mentioned that everyone seemed to enjoy their food and it felt to me like a typical restaurant, with bar for those who would partake. Well, last night, I was shocked when they closed at 11:00 pm. Last week, I didn't stay that long; last night, I did. So, I suppose you can say that it sort of confirms my suspicions. This must be why I feel more comfortable there, than a regular place that is mainly a bar.

So, it seems that I wrote yesterday's entry early, for no reason! I'll have to remember that in the future.

Last night's sleep was okay, except that I woke up almost every hour. Why? I really don't know. I just know that when I finally decided to get up, I felt like I hadn't slept, even though I had. :(

Today, I was busier than normal, with all my work being done from home. Phone calls, e-mails, enquiries, working on the outstanding work in progress and researching for clients. Just the usual stuff.

About 3:30 pm, I decided to take a break and relax. Believe me, I was relaxed. I was so relaxed that I actually dozed off in my recliner chair! The only time this kind of thing happens, is when I'm exhausted.

This feeling of exhaustion seems to accompany me, when I feel stressed again, over losing Gordon. It's like when my grief is strong, like it has been over the last while, I am just weary. It drains me of everything good. Everything is an effort.

I try hard. Not in my own strength, for when I say I don't have any, I truly mean it. Sometimes, I feel like a walking corpse. There are times when I just cannot believe that I have a purpose, here on earth, for I just feel empty, with nothing to give.

No, I am running on God's strength. Jesus' strength. And, I know it.

Call it grief; call it depression. Does it matter? Not to me. I just cannot seem to be happy facing life. I smile, do good deeds, lift others up in prayer and in life, I work and do my best at whatever I do. But, I just cannot seem to be happy. My Joy is still with me, in my Lord. As for happiness in life, mine is gone. Just like Gordon.

In honour of today's full moon, I watched, 'Moonstruck'. If you can see the moon tonight, you'll see that it's a bright, beautiful, full moon. I wish I wasn't alone, to see it.

My friend J, called me earlier. We had previously discussed attending the Baskin-Robbins 31 cent promotion, together. We had last year, but last year I brought some home for Gordon. I just could not bring myself to go, this year. Even with my friend, J. I apologize J. I hope you changed your mind and decided to go, even if you went by yourself. I am sorry. I just feel so emotionally weak, tonight.

I know, I know. You'll tell me that if God leads me to something, He'll lead me through it. I know it. He does it. That's why I am still waking up every morning, breathing and alive, instead of being in heaven with Him and Gordon.

God has a plan for me and my life. I know it. It's just that I feel like part of me died, when Gordon died. While I feel like a capable person, there are days when I feel like I'm not good for much. Today, is just one of those days.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. We could all use a good day, couldn't we?!

Until next time...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Busy, Busy!

Yes, my escape to Mexican Town Restaurant in Detroit, MI, USA, was delicious, indeed! C, K and I enjoyed our meal and time together at the restaurant. Thank you C, for treating us! Later, C drove to a Meijer Store, because there was something he needed to pick up. K went home happy, because she bought something, as well. As for me, well, I didn't buy anything, for the item I looked for wasn't in stock. Still, with my leftover mexican food, I didn't go home empty-handed! :-))

We got home about 8:30 pm, so it wasn't a late night for any of us. Actually, I almost didn't go with C and K, because I kind of felt like a third wheel, but when I mentioned it to K a few days ago, she insisted she didn't want the outing to become a 'date', as she just met C. K insisted that I go; C, too. Actually, after the stressful day I had yesterday, I was glad to have gone! As I said yesterday, I needed the escape. Good food! Good friends! What more could anyone ask for?! I'm blessed and I know it.

Even though I went to bed fairly early (at least for me!), I didn't sleep right away, so morning came early when my alarm went off at 6:15 am.

My wake-up time was earlier than normal for me, because I had an early morning appointment with my eye specialist, for 8:00 am. It took forever to get there, due to construction enroute, beginning today. My check up went well. No inflammation cells appeared in the fluid around my eye! While I know I will never be cured, it is nice to know that the Iritis is under control. No inflammation means no added pressure, so no worries of secondary Glaucoma! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Then, I was off to my chiropractic appointment. Yup, got my bones cracked. lol Sorry, couldn't resist! My adjustments went well and I was on my way to meet with my income tax preparer, to pick up the paperwork I needed.

That done, I was blessed to have a late breakfast with my daughter P. During our girl time together, my daughter B called, so I was able to speak with her for a few minutes. No baby, yet. B was due, yesterday. Apparently, if she doesn't go into labour by the weekend, she will be induced. The ultrasound showed this child is a girl. For B's sake, I hope it is, for she's hoping for a daughter this time, to join her four sons. Time will tell! :-))

I had an errand to do in LaSalle, for I had to pick up a gift certificate for clients. It's a thank-you gift for allowing me to sell their home. I'm sure they'll enjoy it, for the certificate is for their favourite restaurant.

Enroute to deliver the gift certificate, I stopped at the cemetary for a few minutes. I was glad to have gone, today. I just wish I didn't have to go there, at all.

Life has been stressful for me, lately. Especially with it being income tax time. Even just thinking of submitting Gordon's final tax return reminds me of my loss. Not much different than the thought of giving away his personal items and clothing, that I have not yet done. After all, it's like dealing with another ending for him. Another piece that proves he's gone and will never be back. Sometimes, I wish that if I could just hold onto these things, it would feel like I'm holding onto him and not letting him go. But, this is exactly why these things need to be done.

So, after finally arriving home, I sorted out the paperwork, assembled everything the way it needed to be done and drove downtown to the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) - Income Tax office. Phew! What a rush! I just made it, with about two minutes to spare. But, it's done.

The woman at the counter asked me when my husband died. I replied and began to cry. It's so-o embarassing. Why do I do this?! I cried half the way home, too. It's a good thing Riverside Dr. was backed up with traffic, due to more construction, for it gave me time to cry it out, before arriving home.

I'm writing today's entry somewhat earlier than normal, after feasting on leftovers from yesterday's Mexican escape, trying to decide if I will head over to Tecumseh Roadhouse for karaoke night. If you recall, last week I tried out to be a contestant for Bluesfest Idol 2010 and made it.

They kind of expect we contestants to come out to karaoke nights and practice singing some music, so that when we have our quarter-final contest in June, we'll be prepared. I just really don't like going into these environments, especially alone. Still, I have nothing better to do this evening, so I think I will just mosey on along and make myself go. Practice is practice. Especially since karaoke music is not quite like a live band or singing acapella, the way I normally sing, I suppose I really need to do this. Wish me luck!

Until next time...

Monday, April 26, 2010

Escaping CRA and Paperwork...

It's early in the day for me to post an entry, but since I will shortly be going out with friends C and K for dinner, to Mexican Town Restaurant in Detroit, MI, USA, I thought I'd write, early.

Besides, I've already had a very full day! As with most days when I work at home, I did my usual calls and computer work. However, today, I had more work than normal.

In addition, I made my call to Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) regarding Gordon's and my income tax. Good Lord! Thank You for helping me!

After waiting to speak with one CRA Rep, I had to wait again, to speak with another Rep, who specialized in 'Final Tax Returns for Deceased People'. At first, I thought it was a pain having to do all that waiting. However, it's a good thing I called! I was given information that I desperately needed and didn't know it.

Firstly, I was told that Gordon's final deceased return could not be e-filed. Hmmm. This didn't sound right to me, because my friend C, whose wife also died last year, took their taxes to a tax preparer, who e-filed both their returns. Still, who wants trouble? Not me!

Secondly, I was informed that the Rep could talk with me about my file, but not Gordon's. Here we go again, I thought! They have me on file as the person to speak with, but because of Gordon's death, they need a copy of his will, court documents and a 'proof of death' certificate on file or no conversation could take place.

I told the Rep that our Federal Government has all that on file. I was told that their department did not have it on file, only another branch. Be still my heart. I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed, once again.

This means much more work for me, because since his taxes cannot be e-filed, I must submit a paper file to CRA; if I'm going to do this for Gordon, then I may as well do it for myself, too. This way, both income tax forms can be submitted together, along with the legal paperwork that I must submit to them, regarding Gordon's death.

In addition, I must fax them or send a letter along with the info they require and a request to know what T's they have on file, to date.

I've already decided that EVERYTHING is going together, in one envelope, so it can't be said that anything was missing. And, I will take it directly to CRA's Windsor office, downtown and get a stamped receipt for the package.

Give me a break! I spent much time digging through paperwork that I had accumulated regarding Gordon's death and estate. Then, I arranged to pick up Gordon's will that was still at the lawyer's office; it was apparently not valid, for it had been written shortly before we married and without us realizing it, once we married, it was no longer valid, for my name had changed. Still, CRA wants a copy of it.

Is it any wonder that the first year after the death of a loved one, that people feel not only grief, but stress? Walk a mile in my shoes. Then again, I really hope you won't have to, for I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This whole experience has given me new empathy for anyone who has lost a spouse.

With regards to grief and depression, is it any wonder that while some people repeatedly tell you to 'get over it' and 'get on with your life', there are circumstances that rise to the occasion that just won't allow a person to do this. Not just the emotional 'firsts', but actual 'garbage of life' that perpetually rises from the sewer or landfill of life.

While I am in the process of 'cooling down' and trying to relax my mind, it isn't hard to see why those heartbreaking feelings arise. Hopefully, when our taxes are submitted, this one stressful time, will end. Probably just in time for another to begin. After all, it is the year of 'firsts'.

Well, I must get ready to go for dinner across the river. My friend K, called me earlier to make sure I was up for it, for she saw on Facebook that I was feeling rather awful, again. I'll say again what I said to her, "No way will I cancel out! I need to have some time to relax with my friends and try to keep my sanity! I won't miss it, for the world!"

So, it'll have to be tomorrow when I tell you about my delicious escape.

Until tomorrow...

Sunday, April 25, 2010


Due to the length of yesterday's entry, I did not mention that I watched a DVD my friend J loaned me. It was called, 'Forget Paris'. J told me it was a comedy that she thought was very funny.

The beginning of the movie totally bummed me out, for there were beautiful scenes of Paris, where Gordon and I had visited several times. It reminded me of him. I felt heartbroken. Still, I persevered and later enjoyed the movie. Although, it is one movie that I would not watch again, any time soon.

When I got into bed, I found that I was still very upset. I know that I've been feeling rather 'low' as of late. Once again, I could not relax to get to sleep, so I got up and watched a movie that I knew would relax me. Later, about 3:00 am, sleep came to me. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

All day I felt tired, for I was up early as well. It's my Lord's day. After worship service, I saw my daughter P for a few minutes, before heading to the home where I was scheduled to not only do an open house at, but also show to a client.

Later, since I was within a couple of minutes of the cemetary, I went to Gordon's grave. Grass is growing more rapidly on his grave, now. Grass has not grown enough to cover it, totally. However, nothing stops weeds from growing. So, I picked out the weeds. There aren't really any weeds around the area that I could see, because the cemetary does a great job of maintaining the lawn. Still, whenever 'new' grass is being grown from seed, there's always a few bad weeds to spoil the goodness. They're gone, now.

While I was there, it was spitting rain. I felt like the raindrops were tears from heaven. I wish I could understand why I just cannot stop crying and feeling heartbroken over Gordon.

Tonight, I received from my friend J, an e-mail with reference to inspirational information. It spoke of 1Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you". It also contained this thought: If you want to see the rainbow, you must first put up with the rain (author unknown).

I am not perfect. But, I try in Jesus' strength, to be all God wants me to be; for I have no strength of my own, at the moment.

Still, I rejoice always. Anyone who knows me, knows that I pray without ceasing, for even as others are speaking with me, I find myself praying for them and whatever situations are on topic of conversation. I don't usually just tell people that I will pray for them, I usually pray with them, right there, wherever we are. For I know this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, for me.

My friend J, knows this, too. Please don't misunderstand and think that I was upset with the e-mail, for I wasn't. I did find it inspiring, for it reminded me that I must find a way to stop feeling so hurt and sorrowful over losing Gordon.

Again, I must say that I'm feeling like all the sorrow I am experiencing may not be from just losing Gordon, but may also be left over from what I went through, with him. Another time, I may write more about this, but not tonight.

The only thing I can say is that this evening, I watched a Hallmark movie, 'When Love is Not Enough: the Lois Wilson Story. This movie should have been comforting to me, especially since it is a story about overcoming with God's help, but it wasn't.

Most of my friends, including J, tell me that I must be patient, for grief is not something one gets over, quickly. Since I haven't yet seen the rainbow, I can only presume that I'm still experiencing the rain.

Father, You know that I am thankful in all things, even with losing Gordon, for I know that it was Your will for his life. I'm grateful that Gordon is in heaven with You, that You are in control and have my best interests at heart and am confident that You will provide me with the healing I need, in Your time, not mine. I just pray it is Your will for the time to be soon, for I feel horrible. I ask this in Jesus' precious name and thank You, in advance. Amen.

Until next time...

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Ooh Child...

It was late when I went to bed, for I had stayed up waiting for my co-worker/realtor friend L's seller in Vancouver to e-mail me, once again. It's a good thing I didn't hold my breath, because even though my night was short, his wasn't.

Okay. I won't bore you with the details; it's enough to say that I hope I won't go through a deal like this one, again any time, soon. I'll just tell you that today from 8:00 am, until after 4:00 pm, I worked on the deal. Finally! It was done! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! Oh well, if life wasn't tough, it wouldn't be my life! :-)

This morning, the strange thing was that even though I had little sleep, I awoke on my own, without my alarm telling me it was time to do so. A song rang through my brain continually; it just wouldn't leave.

The song was, 'Ooh Child (Things Are Gonna Get Easier)'. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

Ooh child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh child, things'll get brighter
Ooh child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh child, things'll be brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

......Right now
You just wait and see how things are gonna be
Right now

Do you think there's a message, here?

Some mornings, I wake up with music in my head. My brain just seems to keep operating, even in my sleep. Sometimes, I feel like God speaks to me, this way. With messages, through music.

This is not new, for me. It's happened all my life. I wish God's Word, the Bible could tell me. For I know that the enemy also plants thoughts in our head.

Contrary to what some folks think, while satan does come to rob, kill and destroy, he doesn't come dressed in a red suit and pitchfork. He manipulates people's minds, plants thoughts and hides truth with lies that resemble truth closely enough that those who don't know God's word, believe his lies.

Still, only good has come from the music and lyrics that I have awoken with, over the years. So, I can only presume that it comes from God. Hopefully, this is God telling me that my life will improve.

To celebrate having her taxes finished and ready to be sent off, my friend J brought dinner to my home. While I supplied beverage and dessert, we feasted on Pat & Hank's fish 'n chips. Yummy, to say the least! Thank you, J. You spoil me rotten!

Afterwards, J and I went to Calvary Community Church, because it was 'movie night' (the last Saturday of the month). Before I could stop her, J paid my donation, in addition to hers. Well, I suppose you could say that this was really a 'treat Lynnie' evening! Thank you, J. Next time it's my turn!

Since tomorrow is my Lord's day, I suppose I should 'hit the hay'. Sleep well.

Until next time...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Happy Middle?

Ahhh...another great sleep, that I wish had been a little bit longer. One of these days, I'm sure it will happen!

Today, was mainly a business day, for me. As I've mentioned previously, my co-worker/realtor friend L, is away on vacation visiting family, so in addition to my own work, I have hers as well. It certainly makes for some busy and stressful moments.

For the last few days, I've been working on an offer on one of L's listings. I praise God the co-operating salesperson, who wrote the offer, has been easy to work with. Not everyone is, but I am feeling blessed working with this realtor.

The seller is in Vancouver, so in addition to the usual complications of setting up meeting times, we have time differences to contend with. For instance, the other evening, I was up until about 2:00 am, waiting for paperwork to arrive. It's a good thing I finally went to bed and decided to deal with it in the morning, because the paperwork didn't arrive until 5:15 am!

In addition, when working with out-of-town clients, we usually fax paperwork. Not so in this case. The seller insisted that the paperwork be done by e-mail. This is a first for me, believe it or not. On the surface, it sounds like a good idea, but in reality, it's turned out to be a pain to contend with! Oh well, hopefully, it will be done, soon.

Just think how happy L will be, when she returns home to find out that she made a sale, without even being here!

Oh, sorry. I forgot. I did say that I won't talk about business, regularly. Since this is a highly irregular situation, I suppose I could say, it's okay, this time! :-))

Well, there's more developments with the C & K story, but I am not yet at liberty to divulge that info. Hopefully, it won't disturb anyone's sleep not knowing what is happening. I promise, I won't make this issue like a continuing saga, or anything. I'll let you know, when I can. Until then, you'll just have to be patient.

I suppose you can tell that I don't have much to say, regarding my own life, today. It's because I lead a basically boring life. In fact, it would be safe to say that I don't have a life.

My life died, as you know. My existence is rather boring. I feel rather like a 'no-name slob, who belongs to nobody and nobody belongs to', to coin a phrase from a heart-felt movie that I just finished watching.

It amazes me how people always seem to have happy endings in movies. Of course, they aren't real lives; their fiction. It seems to me that any happy ending would have to be in a movie, for there certainly hasn't been any for me, in my life. God just doesn't seem to have a happy ending for me, as part of my life. If He would just decide to help me come to terms and accept losing Gordon, I would feel much better. This suffering through grief is horrible to live through.

So, I'll just have to be patient. Wait on Him. For He is in control of everything, including me. I suppose it's really too early to talk about any kind of ending, in my life. Still, it would be nice if God would decide to give me a happy 'middle'!

You can probably tell I am having a 'bad' day, today. Not with work. Just my own life or maybe I should say, existence. Truly, I hope your life is better than mine, for I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy.


Until next time...

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Wow! I slept like a log! It was wonderful, although I would have enjoyed sleeping in a little longer!

It may sound like a great start to my day, but it actually wasn't. When my eyes opened, I saw Gordon's empty pillow and began to cry. What a way to begin a day, any day.

Lately, especially since the 8 days of stress surrounding our wedding anniversary and Easter was over, I thought I was doing fairly well. Missing Gordon, for sure. But, I felt like I was dealing better with it. Until today, that is.

The pain, sorrow and tears of grief just came back. Flowed over me again, like a wave. All because I opened my eyes and saw his empty pillow. Lord, help me, please.

The sadness I feel is so intense. I never wanted Gordon to die. My hopes and dreams were for him to recover fully; not die. I wish I could explain better the depth of my pain.

Isn't this awful?! Even writing about what occurred when I woke up, is overwhelming me. It's a good thing you're not reading a paper version, for it would be wet with my tears.

Friends have told me that this is normal. My sorrow and grief feelings will come and go, until I finally accept this horrible loss.

I realize that to some people, it isn't a loss. Some people aren't grieving Gordon, at all. Sometimes, I wish I was one of those people. Unfortunately, I'm not. I'll just have to continue praying that God will heal my heart and heal me from the intenseness of my grief.

After finally getting going, I did my normal work in the morning. My co-worker/realtor friend C arrived at lunchtime; we enjoyed sandwiches and some of my homemade soup. I had invited C, because we had clients meeting us at my home today, at 1:00 pm.

Our meeting lasted a little longer than originally anticipated. However, I was comfortable; after all, I was at home!

After our clients left, C had to be on his way, too. For some reason, I felt the need to introduce C to my neighbour/friend K.

Much to my surprise, as I introduced them, I could feel this 'electricity' in the air. I looked at C; yes, he had it. Then, I looked at K; yes, she had it. At first, I thought I was imagining it, but I knew in my heart, I wasn't. After a brief conversation, we all went our separate ways.

It was on my mind for the rest of the afternoon. I could not let it go. One minute, I thought I'd call C and ask him if what I felt happened, really did; then, I thought I shouldn't. After all, it's not any of my business.

Well, Cupid took over.

Before I left home, to go to prayer and Bible study, I just couldn't resist, so I called C. I let him know my curiosity was getting the better of me. We'd been friends a long time, so he wasn't worried about being honest. He admitted that he had felt 'electricity'. However, he said he was afraid to say anything to me, because he thought K was married; I reminded him that K is my friend who had been a widow for twenty-three years and is single.

Hmmm... This made me wonder. So, on my way out the door, I spoke with K. She openly admitted that she too had felt 'electricity', while meeting/speaking with C. K was concerned, for she thought he was married. I confirmed that C's wife had died almost a year ago and he is single. Then, she thought that maybe I designs on C. I made it clear that I had known C for many years and we were and always would be only friends.

As I left for church, I chuckled. I knew it! It was as plain as the nose on my face! And, very humourous to me, as well, for both my friends seemed like young people, while this occurred! lol :-))

Now, I suppose I shouldn't say any more on that subject, for it is really their business. However, if anything develops, I might just decide to write a little now and then, about them. Just as I do, now.

While I am glad that God provided me with a humerous, heart-warming circumstance with my two friends, I am feeling rather 'blue' tonight, realizing that my love is not here. He's gone. He won't be back. I know I'll see him again, but unless God deems it to take me 'home' to heaven, it won't be any time, soon. I miss Gordon.

Before I say 'goodnight', I would like to wish granddaughter A, a very Happy Birthday!

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Family Day!

Sleep? What's that? Wish I had some! Seriously, I was so wound up that I had trouble sleeping. Oh well, I'm good and tired tonight, so I'm sure I'll sleep like a log!

In addition to my excitement, I realized that I had made an error in what I wrote in yesterday's entry; it wasn't at least twelve (12) years since I had gotten over my fear of singing for people, it was at least sixteen (16) years! Oh well, in the whole scheme of things, it really makes no difference. I'm just glad that God removed the spirit of fear, from me!

After forcing myself to get moving this morning and getting some work done, I rushed making the sandwiches I needed to make, to take with me to the 50+ group luncheon at my church, today. Arriving, I found the food tables did not contain sandwiches, so I asked about it. It turns out, I misread the agenda; sandwiches are for next month! Oh well, they got eaten, anyway. Along with salads, main dishes and, of course, dessert!

With a couple of stops along the way, I arrived home to find a message on my answering machine from my brother, B's girlfriend, P. Apparently, they were on their way to Windsor, from Guelph, to visit with me and my daughter, P.

P received B & P, first. Later, they stopped in to visit with me. It's always nice to see my brother and his girlfriend. Believe me, it doesn't happen all that often, for he, like our younger brother G, is diabetic and on dialysis three (3) times per week; tomorrow, being one of his designated days.

During our visit, B used my internet to show me a photo and an article from the Guelph Mercury (newspaper), about himself and several other people who were responsible for writing a book about the history of the Guelph Police Services. This is not the first book he has written, for B also wrote a book about the Guelph Human Society's history, several years ago.

Considering that B is partially disabled, he sure is a busy person! In addition, he is a Lion's club member. And, he has written two books that he's looking for funding for, to make into movies. I am so grateful that B's life is going well for him, for I he seems to be very happy with his life, at the moment. Praise God!

Today must have been, 'brother' day. For in addition to visiting with my older brother B, I spoke by telephone to my younger brother, G. You may have read a while back that he is also writing a blog: Disabled vs Government. If you're interested, you can find it on my list of blogs I follow.

Actually, today must have been not just 'brother' day, but 'family' day! For in the afternoon, I was able to see my youngest daughter P, for a few minutes. Then, in the mail, I received a card/note from the person I believe may be our 'yet-to-be-found' sister, in Ireland. Sister or not, I am glad for this relationship.

It did my heart good to have all this contact from family, today. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Now, I'll feel blessed if I can just get some sleep, tonight. If I don't say 'goodnight', I may have another short night and early morning, so I'll just say, "Goodnight"!

Until next time...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Glory and Honour to Him!

It was quite a day! Another first for me!

The morning was pretty normal, filled with computer work and calls. However, my friend T invited me to lunch with her at her home. Since she needed help with her computer and e-mail, I gladly helped out. Thank you T, for a great time of food and fellowship; I'm glad I could help you.

What I am about to say, will either make you laugh or be upset with me. Hmmm...okay. I'll tell you! I am a contestant in Bluesfest Idol 2010, to be held here in Windsor, this coming July!

A couple of days ago, I saw on Facebook that organizers of Bluesfest Idol 2010 were looking for contestants. At first, I thought it was a silly thing for me to think about doing, for I am not young anymore and I am not an entertainer. Still, the thought wouldn't leave my mind.

I prayed about it and decided to audition. This might not seem like much to some people, but it was a major action in my life, to be sure. I've always loved to sing. The trouble was that if I knew someone was listening, I couldn't sing. Terror filled me.

When I was young, on three occasions, I was offered a chance for a music career, by people who heard me sing, when I didn't know they were listening. I couldn't do it. Fear is a terrible thing. However, now that I am a born-again Chrisitian, God has released me from the bondage of fear; fear is sin. Praise God! I now enjoy singing for my Lord, before groups of people!

How did this happen? Well, God used my friend M, who now lives in Florida, to help me. For a time, M had been a Karaoke hostess. After finishing my dinner one night at a restaurant, I ran into M arriving; we hadn't seen each other since I had returned to live in Windsor, so we were excited to see each other. M convinced me to stay and encouraged me to sing. Thank You, Father, for using my friend M to help me!

Another reason I was hesitant about auditioning, was because the auditions are held at restaurant/bars. While I have lunched with friends or clients at places like these, I don't frequent them in the evening, when mostly drinking takes place. In addition, the thought of going somewhere like this without Gordon, was heartbreaking. Still, I could not get it out of my mind, so I went.

For moral support my co-worker/realtor friends C and M, met me at Tecumseh Roadhouse on County Rd. 42 between Lauzon and Banwell Rds. at 7:00 pm. It smelled wonderful walking into this restaurant/bar. Families were dining; they have a children's menu. People everywhere, including my friends enjoyed their meals. Since their prices are good, you may want to try it for yourself.

Prior to auditioning, all contestants warmed up with singing Karaoke; most of us sang two songs. Then we had to sing two different songs for the audition. I could tell that some people were prepared, for they had friends who had participated in last year's contest. I hadn't sang these songs in at least a dozen or more years, for I haven't attended Karaoke in at least that long. Still, I made out okay.

God sure works in mysterious ways. I noticed that when I sang before and during the auditions, that some people really never paid attention and kept on talking, etc. However, later I sang one more song, before I left. I sang Sarah McLachlan's, 'Angel' to honour Jesus and Gordon (for I had written my lyrics for them). Not her version that was viewed on the Karaoke monitor, but my own re-written version that honours Jesus. When I sang my version of 'Angel', I noticed that people stopped talking and paid attention to my singing. On my way out, people complimented me; all the glory and honour goes to Him!

Now, I know for sure that the song I will sing at the finals, if/when I make it, will be my God honouring version of 'Angel'. First, I will have to make it through quarter-finals and semi-finals. If God wills it, it will happen. If He doesn't, it won't. So, I won't worry about it. It's all up to Him. Still, before any of this can happen, I must decide on two or three songs to sing that are suitable for my voice. I'll be praying about this, for sure.

My true heart's desire is to sing for a large crowd, a song/songs that will be God honouring. Am I looking to win? Well, if I did, it would be nice, for I would win the right to record a song; guess what I might want to record? lol However, I would be happy just being able to honour God with my singing, to a group such as the thousands of people who will be attending Bluesfest Idol 2010.

Hopefully, the excitement of it all won't interfere with me relaxing and being able to sleep, tonight.

Until next time...

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's Your Choice!

Last night, I just could not sleep; well, that is until early morning! Then, I really didn't want to get up. I did, anyway.

Today was the day that I planned on finishing up gathering my income tax info, for both me and Gordon. It's been such a trial, just thinking and looking at the forms, etc. for his last tax submission. Not to mention that there is a death form and possibly other stuff I have to do in addition to what would be normally submitted for him. Besides, it's not just the first one for me to do for him, since his death. It is also his... final.. submission.

It may sound silly, but every time I think of filing his final income tax submission, I feel like it's another part of him, leaving. Over. Done. Gone.

It's for this reason that I decided to take our income tax info to a tax preparer. I just cannot bring myself to do it, this year, knowing it's Gordon's last. It was hard enough just collecting and organizing the info for his and my taxes.

With God's help, I managed to get through my part and took everything to the person who will be submitting for me. Thank You, Father, for helping me get through this heartbreaking ordeal.

Now, the question will I owe tax, or not?! Since I don't know what tax will be payable for 'death tax', if any, I really cannot say. It'll be a slice, to say the least. I should know, soon. Thank You, Father, for helping me through this trial, once again.

In yesterday's entry, I mentioned that my Dad didn't really love me or show me love, as a child. I did not say this to cry 'woe is me'. On the contrary, it was merely a statement of fact. I came to terms with this many years ago. And, I forgave him.

After rededicating my life to the Lord, I read God's Word, the Bible. If you haven't read it, you should; especially the New Testatment.

God tells us He wants us to be obedient to Him. Many times, in many ways, He tells us to forgive others.

Have you ever prayed the Lord's Prayer, ..."forgive us our trespasses as we forgive...". In other words, we pray to God to forgive us as we forgive others. Hmmm... The reverse of this is sort of like saying, don't forgive us if we don't forgive. Hmmm... Scary thought, isn't it?!

For sure, my life has been filled with many people that I've had to forgive. And, not just my Dad, either.

Some people don't feel it is important to be obedient to God. Unfortunately, they will probably suffer for eternity, because most unforgiving people I have met have been unsaved. Most of the saved people that I've discussed this with, agree that God commanded us to forgive, so we must do it. And, we do.

In my opinion, most people not walking in the spirit, but who are of the world, tend to be unforgiving. Society seems to teach this. Walk away. Don't have anything to do with that person. Hurt them, in return. I call this, 'Opposite World'. The reason is because it's opposite to what God would have us do.

It seems to me that I've met many people who believe that people who choose to forgive others are weak, stupid, brainless or self-motivated to receive some benefit. Actually, anyone who makes an effort to forgive someone who has hurt them, will find it isn't as easy as just saying the words. Not to mention that most people won't even try to say the words. No. Most people would rather hate the person, than forgive them.

It's hard to forgive someone. It doesn't come naturally. It's against our humanness. We are only able to do this, once the Holy Spirit has convicted us and we've come to grips with the fact that we must do this.

God tells us that when we forgive someone, the forgiveness is not really for the person who did the hurting. It's really for you, the person doing the forgiving. God's Word tells us that forgiveness frees us from the bondage of unforgiveness. Bondage. Sort of like slavery. Being a slave to sin.

The Bible tells us that if we don't forgive, we will be tormented.

Isn't that what's really happening, when someone doesn't want to forgive? They usually are tormented; sometimes for the rest of their lives. If you feel hate towards someone, I believe you need to pray about forgiving the person who hurt you. Like I have had to, many times in my life. Know that you are not alone.

Then, there's another reason why it is difficult to forgive people. Often times, society in general, because it doesn't seem acceptable to forgive someone, turns against the person who has done the forgiving. Scripturally, this is called, 'persecution'.

Christians all over the world are being persecuted for their faith, for many reasons; not just for forgiveness, but sometimes just for being a Christian. Even to the point of death. Here, in N. America, it seems that sometimes we experience what I would call a more minor type of persecution. Usually, friends or family, or society in general will turn their backs to the person who has done the forgiving.

God tells us that when this happens to us, we are blessed. In Matthew 5:10, Jesus says, "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven".

God could not have said it any clearer. Now, the question is, how do you live your life? As a forgiver or an unforgiver? I've already made my choice. Now, the choice is yours.

Until next time...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Foyle's War vs Reality...

This Lord's day was a very full, busy day for me. Of course, I worshipped at with my church family. It's an honour to worship God.

Afterwards, I did not stay for the fund-raiser luncheon, meant to support an upcoming summer missions trip for some of our young people. I felt badly, but I had to leave for work. The good news is, there will be more opportunities to support our missions team.

Since the home I was scheduled to do the 'Open House' at was only a couple minutes from the cemetary, I went to visit Gordon's grave. I didn't stay long. It is sort of sad being there, especially since grass is now growing rapidly atop his grave. How quickly time flies. And, I'm not even having fun.

After my 'Open House', I did a couple of work errands and made my way to worship with the small church group I've talked about, recently. Today, there were less than fifteen people in attendance, including one visitor and one young man who was saved, yesterday. Praise God for this! Thank You, Jesus! I feel it is important to support this church planting effort. Besides, I enjoy Pastor B's preaching. Gordon and I used to visit/worship on an irregular basis. As I've mentioned, my daughter P used to worship with this group.

Rushing home, I finished making dinner, before P and my grandsons arrived. I enjoyed our time, together. Boy, can my grandsons eat! :-)) Seriously, it's great having them visit. P is blessed. So am I. Thank You Father, for blessing me, today.

No, I haven't yet cleaned up and the dishes are still waiting to be done. I'll get things done, as soon as I finish writing this entry. I would have been cleaned up and reorganized, but instead of working at it, I spoke on the phone to a friend and afterwards, my brother G.

Television scheduling has been rather boring, lately; it seems like there hasn't been much on tv that I was interested in watching. However, this evening was different. PBS Detroit was airing a movie I wanted to see. Then, I noticed that during the same time period, TVOntario was airing, 'Foyle's War'. It's a great series; Gordon and I used to enjoy watching it. Since I couldn't decide what to do, I did what any other intelligent woman would do. I recorded the PBS Detroit movie and watched 'Foyle's War'!

This week's episode was one I had not previously seen; it was about a young, white British woman and her lover (a black American GI) who had a child together and wanted to marry. She gets murdered and of course the case is solved.

My reason for mentioning this is not because of the tv show, although I do enjoy it. It's because it reminded me that during WW2 there were indeed many young women who had children out-of-wedlock. Most gave the child up for adoption, as it wasn't accepted in society and there were not many options for support at that time.

When I first began blogging, I mentioned that I believed I have a sister overseas; she would be my Father's child. My parents were both in the army and never met until after the war, when they were both repatriated to Canada.

The story of how I found out and what led up to finding out, is far too long for this entry. It's enough to say that I think I may have met the woman I believe is my sister. Only a DNA test would give an answer to that question. If I'm right, I feel it would be a blessing to me; if I'm wrong, it could mean the end of our current relationship. If she knows, she hasn't told me, but I presume she doesn't know. On my next visit to N. Ireland, I plan to talk with her about it. Please pray about this situation.

Yes, the war affected my family's lives, in more ways than what people may think. It's too much to discuss here, now. Maybe one day. It's enough to say, that I believe that because my Father had been hurt over not having his child or a relationship with her, that he had a hard time accepting other children. Eventually, he had four of us, here in Canada. While I believe my brothers fared better than I, for they were at least male, I know for sure that my Father never wanted me or showed me love and affection. In fact, when I was really young, he would tell me so; my Mom used to cry about it. Like I said, there's too much to this to write about here, tonight.

Well, as I previously stated, I need to get to the dishes and finish cleaning up and reorganizing my home. Hopefully, you enjoyed your weekend, as much as I did mine. Blessings, to you.

Until next time...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Rainbow's End...

Maybe it was the excitement of the prospect of having company for dinner, tonight and tomorrow, but I just could not relax to sleep. So, up I was through part of the night.

I made good use of my time. I did a few things, like cleaning the bathroom, dusting, etc. I got the dessert made for tonight and tomorrow. It's a dessert that I hadn't made in years. Gordon couldn't eat it, because it contained strawberries and he was allergic to them.

Finally, I returned to bed, but never really got into a great sleep. I dozed. Tossed and turned. I don't know what gets into me, sometimes.

I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about my life.

It's a very lonely life, now that Gordon is gone. I sometimes think I made some terrible mistakes with my life. Still, when push comes to shove, I feel that I would never want to turn back the clock, for I believe I would just have to live through the same life course, all over again. No. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Today, I had conversations with several friends and a potential client. Read my Bible. Talked with God. Continued cooking, to prepare for tonight's dinner.

Close to 5:30 pm, my co-worker/friends C and M, arrived. We enjoyed conversation over dinner and had a great time, together.

M has had her share of life's problems. Cancer was one of them; praise God, it hasn't returned! Thank You, Jesus! Of course, you have heard me speak about C, who became a widower close to a year ago. M and C are just friends, not a couple.

About 8:00 pm, they left. C was going to drop M off at her home, then he was going out on a date. Yes, you heard me right. A date.

I know that C misses his wife. He still cannot speak of her without choking up and tears rising to the surface of his eyes. He, along with a couple of our friends, attended grief counselling, if you recall. It seems it has helped C to come to terms with his life, as it is, now. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to go out on a date.

It made me happy and sad, when they left. Happy, because I know C is moving on with his life. Beginning a new one. Sad, because it meant that I was alone yet again, for another evening.

Being alone evening after evening is not new to me, for Gordon spent many an evening in bed, in pain, suffering. Sometimes, when I sit here alone, I feel like he's in our bedroom and I expect to see him come out to sit with me for a while. But, he doesn't. He never will, again.

I think this is why when I go to bed, that I have trouble sleeping. For when I enter my bedroom, even though I know he won't be there, it doesn't feel right him not being there.

Okay. I suppose you have the picture, now. I'm crying, again. Why this infernal sadness comes over me, I can't tell you. It just shows me that my grief has not ended.

Let's face it. Everyone wants their lives to be filled with love and happiness. We're all after the same rainbow's end...

Oh well, back to reality. Tomorrow, is another day. It's my Lord's day. And, it will be a busy one for me.

P will be coming to dinner with her family. I am looking forward to having them, here. So, before I hit the hay tonight, I suppose I had better get a move on and do some things, to prepare.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Until next time...

Friday, April 16, 2010

Sitting Down?!

Wow! Did I ever have a good sleep, last night! No, I didn't sleep in, but I got a truly restful sleep and feel wonderful, today!

First thing this morning, my phone rang. It was my friend W; she was so happy, she just had to call and tell me her good news. If you read yesterday's entry, you'll know that W was in tremendous pain and was suffering, greatly. Last evening, I prayed with W over the phone; she told me she felt the pain weakening. Well, the good news was that the pain subsided overnight and she too, got a wonderful sleep for the first time in many days. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Another caller invited me to go out for coffee this morning. H & her husband A, meet with me and a few other realtor/friends on a semi-regular basis; previously we met more often, but lately, we (as a group) have been meeting less often. It was nice of H to call, for we hadn't spoken in a while, since both of us had been busy. I politely refused, not because I didn't want to go and have quality time with my friend/co-worker H, but rather, because I have so much paperwork to do, it isn't funny. We agreed to get together for a sort of office/coffee meeting after I get my income tax done.

Remember, I did laundry instead of working on my income tax info?! Also, I previously mentioned that I need to get my bookkeeping done for my real estate business, so I could remit my GST for the first quarter of 2010 (Jan. - Mar.).

Today was work hard on paperwork day! No, I still have not gotten all my info together for income tax, but at least I have it sorted, now.

Please don't be shocked. Are you sitting down? I actually got all my bookkeeping done and my GST remitted to the government, today! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus! One down and one 'biggie' to go! Hopefully, things will come together, next week.

I should mention that my neighbour/friend K and I spoke this week, several times. This past Monday (Apr. 12th) was the twenty-third (23rd) anniversary of her husband L's death. It was my time to be a support for her.

At first, K didn't really want to tell me how she was feeling, because she was afraid it would upset me, since I am still in heavy grief for Gordon. I assured her that I needed to be a friend to her, to help in any way I could. Hopefully, I was able to be of good support to K; she said on FaceBook that I was. Thank You, Lord, that I could be of help to someone else, even in my time of grief.

Your Word tells us that sometimes we suffer so that we can help others. I find that regularly, I am able to be of support to others when they are hurting. So, I thank You, Father for this. You told us that all things work together for good for those who love You, to those who are the called according to Your purpose; so, we know that You do make something good come out of every trial. Help me to always be Your obedient servant.

I must say that since last Sunday, when the Holy Spirit convicted me of my sin of unforgiveness towards God (in the sense of not being grateful I had Gordon in my life, for a time), I have felt less stressed. Feeling like I'm more able to cope. I've actually been able to think of memories with him, without falling apart. Hopefully, this will continue.

Of course, I have to admit that those eight (8) days around Gordon's and my wedding anniversary and Easter, with five (5) days of 'firsts', made me feel like I was totally overwhelmed; it was like being in crisis. So, I am thankful for feeling improved. Yes, I miss Gordon; I always will. I love him; I always will. Nothing will change that. I have still cried, but not as often. I thank You, Father, for always providing for me.

What K did show me was that my grief may never end. I must try to deal with my loss as best I can. It doesn't feel as 'shocking' anymore. I just feel lonely. Broken. After realizing that twenty-three years later K is still suffering grief, I realized that she, like me, truly loved her husband. She told me her husband was truly her soulmate; I feel the same about Gordon. I've come to the conclusion that people who don't understand grief, haven't deeply loved, for I've come to the realization that those who deeply love, deeply grieve. Oh well, life goes on.

After defrosting, heating and savouring my homemade chili for dinner, I wrapped a house-warming gift for my friend W's daughter K. You may recall that K's husband D, walked out and left K with five (5) young children to raise on her own. She recently moved to a rental home and wanted to celebrate all the help and prayer she received, so she decided it would be nice to have everyone who helped/prayed come visit.

Afterwards, I went to a funeral home, because a fellow realtor/friend's Mother died. The place was crowded; people were everywhere. I quickly gave my condolences and headed for home.

There doesn't seem to be much on television, tonight. I read my Bible for a while, relaxed and talked with the Lord for a while.

Tomorrow, I'm having company for dinner. Then, on Sunday, I'm having my daughter P and her family for dinner, also. This weekend will be rather busy for me, especially since I am also scheduled to do an 'Open House' this Sunday!

Since tomorrow will be a very busy day for me and I have a lot to do, I think I will bid you farewell, just for tonight.

Until next time...

Thursday, April 15, 2010


This was another morning where I was up and out early, working hard. This made for a very short night, for I didn't get to sleep until close to 2:30 am. Although I felt like having a nap after arriving home from working, I didn't. I'm not sure whether this was good or bad.

Forgive me for discussing work in this entry, but it was one rather frustrating day, in one rather very full, stressful week.

This morning, I showed a listing of my realtor/friend L's to buyers; they didn't seem very interested in the property, for they felt it needed too much work. Yesterday, I had also arranged to show this same duplex to another gentleman, one half hour later than the first couple. The gentleman did not show up, so I called him; he told me he couldn't make it until at least 1 1/2 hours later. After checking my schedule, I re-arranged things to make it work and agreed to meet him, at the time he requested.

I went about my other business and returned to the property to wait, once again. No, this gentleman did not show up; I waited one half hour longer than the appointed time, then left after calling him, twice.

Later in the afternoon, this fellow called me, making excuses for not showing up; I accepted his apology. As we spoke, he became rather nasty on the phone, so I cut the conversation short, blessing him, before he hung up.

This was not an end-of-the-world type issue, but it was rather frustrating. It just confirms to me that we live in a weird world, much different than a generation ago. I could probably write a book about my realtor experiences; but then again, it might be rather boring to non-realtors. One thing is for sure. People who put God first in their lives seem to for the most part, treat people differently than non-believers do. I see it regularly, both in my work life and my personal life.

This evening, I had a conversation with my friend W, who is painfully awaiting surgery next month, in Toronto. We prayed for her that God would take away her pain, giving her even temporary relief. As we spoke, she told me she could feel her pain level decreasing. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus, for the answered prayer!

Our conversation was longer than I had originally anticipated, when I first decided to call her. We shared many topics of discussion, about both her life and mine.

W told me that she thought I was such an encouragement to her. This revelation truly threw me for a loop; I was dumbfounded.

She feels that although I have good days and bad days, I am a walking testimoney for God. Wow! What an honour to have something like this said about anyone, never!

She told me that she admires how I am coping with the loss of my husband and other tragedies in my life, from both before and since Gordon's death. W also told me that she feels I have stronger faith than most people she knows.

It's funny how we don't really see ourselves the way others see us.

This was quite a contrast to earlier this week, where something happened to me personally, that I felt degraded by, as a person and especially as a child of God.

There you have it. Two opposite opinions of one person; me. Will I worry about this? No. I know that I cannot make everyone in this world happy. The only person I need to have approval of is God. If He's happy with me, then nothing else matters.

I think I'll sleep well, tonight. Hopefully, you'll do the same.

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


As you may have read, yesterday was a really busy day for me. In fact, my work day didn't end until around the time of most people's bedtime. Once home, I still had to fax documents, so it was really late, by the time I got to relax.

Relax. That's the operative word. I didn't really do it. Relax, I mean. So, once I got into bed, I couldn't sleep. Here we go, again! So, I got up and did more real estate work. Don't laugh! It can be done, even in the middle of the night!

My restless and short sleep, led me to being rather tired, today. Still, I never stopped from about 8:30 am onward, until the middle of the afternoon. Work! Work! Work! Oh, dear!

Anyway, after completing most of what I needed to do for the day, I found time to meet with my daughter P. We had coffee together and then got a few small items that we both needed, before I made my way home. It was nice getting together with her, for I hadn't done that in what seems like quite a while.

Arriving home, I was glad to finish up my work; more faxing and e-mailing. Calls, too. By suppertime, I was wiped out, to say the least. So, I did something that is totally out of character for me. I took a short nap. Eeeeekkkk! Hopefully, the fifteen or twenty minutes I managed to enjoy won't interfere with my sleep, tonight!

When I got up, in addition to enjoying phone conversations with my friends A & B, I realized that I really needed to do laundry. Taxes, too. Dilemma. Taxes? Laundry? Government? Clothing? Laundry won out!

It was a good thing I had that short nap, because I am absolutely wiped out, once again. I thought of working on my government stuff, but realized that I need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when I work on that stuff and not exhausted.

Instead, I decided to watch some of the VCR tape with 'The Biggest Loser' on it, that my friend J, had recorded for me. Thank you, J. I appreciate you recording this for me. I'm blessed.

Currently, the news is on television, so I think I will watch to see if there is anything good being discussed, or if it just the same old, same old, before I head to bed.

Thanks for reading! I pray for a refreshing sleep for you...and for me.

Until next time...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Taxes Not Yet Done!

Another great night happened. I slept soundly, through most of the night. I did wake once, in the middle of a dream; Gordon was in it. I felt refreshed this morning. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Today, I had another busy day! Not only busy for myself, but also because a friend of mine L, went on a trip to Taiwan, to visit her family; she left on the weekend and will be gone two weeks. I agreed to take over L's work for her while she is away.

Hopefully, I won't be as busy as this throughout the whole time she is away, for I still need to get my taxes done! And, do my bookkeeping for GST! All, before the end of April! I know, you might say I should have gotten it done, sooner. Actually, while I might have gotten my bookkeeping done for the first quarter possibly, I only received some info I needed the other day. I definitely could not have gotten Gordon's and my income taxes done.

A few days ago, I received info from the government that I need to use for my taxes; actually, for Gordon's taxes. But his need to be done, when mine get done.

When Gordon retired three years ago, there was tremendous paperwork to do for his taxes that year. We both thought we had received all the info, T4's, T5's, etc. that were issued. On this basis, we completed his taxes and mine.

Several months later, we were notified that we had not included all T4's and T5's issued for Gordon, so we were being penalized $4,600+. Had adjustments been done on the missing T4's and T5's, Gordon would have been issued a refund. (The original penalty was $4,800 minus the tax refund, which resulted in an adjusted penalty of $4,600+.)

We had to appeal this penalty. We did so on the basis that if Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) is going to allow employers to issue more than one (1) T4 and more than one (1) T5, then CRA should make the employer responsible to notify the employee, supplying a list of how many of each they should expect to receive and list them. This was not done by Gordon's employer. We thought we had received ALL that were issued, but we had not; therefore, we could not include them, because we had not received them. The bottom line was that we didn't even know we were supposed to have received them, so we didn't know they were missing.

After several months, we were finally notified that we won the appeal. However, CRA would not and did not waive the interest accrued on the penalty, so we had to pay the interest CRA said we owed on the money they said we did not have to pay. It may take you a moment to get your head around that one! Scary?! But, true!

We were told that this would not be allowed to happen in the future; that if we missed sending something in the future, we would be penalized with no chance of appeal.

How could this be? How can anyone know whether or not they have received all info required to file with their tax form? How can anyone know if they are missing something? Especially, if corporations are allowed to issue several T4's, T5's, etc., without notifying the recipient what to expect. We telephoned and were told by a CRA representative that we need to wait until April to call them and verify that we've received everything we need. Every year! I commented to the woman, that I was shocked. Has she ever tried to call CRA in April, during tax time?! I think not.

The worst part to the whole story, was that I had spent about 2 1/2 hours on the phone with CRA representatives before we had filed our taxes that year, to ensure that everything was done correctly. Can you imagine?!

Since only the other day, I received something I need to include with Gordon's taxes, this tells me that I was right to leave it until close to the due date before doing them, or else I would have filed incorrectly. Who knows? Maybe I would have been in trouble again.

Think this is strange? Well, I ran into someone when I was on my way out, earlier today. The gentleman was upset. Why? He received a notice that he was being fined $4800/penalty x 2 (for 2 infractions), for not including all his required information. still my heart! Please pray for him, that he will win his appeal, for he and his wife have been retired many years. This would be a terrible financial hardship for them. Remember, this is not tax due. It's a penalty. Thank you. May God bless you.

Hopefully, things will go better for me, this year. I expect that everything will be very complicated. Hmmm...maybe I should just take everything to a tax accountant/preparer. Now, that sounds like a plan!

Until next time...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Busy Day!

My body must be wanting to catch up on sleep, because I really didn't want to get up this morning. But I can't do this, for I need to get up and work. Just like everyone else! Thank You, Father, for helping me sleep!

Today, it seemed that I never stopped. It was just go, go, go. It seemed that I didn't stop working, all day and through part of the evening!

Last evening, I had a call from K, the son of A, a woman I've known for years. In fact, I believe it was 1988 when I first met A.

If I'm repeating myself, please forgive me, for I have a great memory, but it can sometimes be short; also, I don't really have the time to read over every entry I have made, in order to ensure I'm not repeating myself.

Years ago, A called me at my office, because she wanted to sell her home. I did my research and met with her. A explained to me that both her husband and her brother (who had lived with them) had died; she was now alone and no longer wanted the responsibility that came with home ownership.

A was a hard-working retired woman, who took good care of her home. She obviously had pridefully cared for it, for she even lemon-oiled the joists in the basement laundry room. Never before, nor since, have I seen someone do this.

Paperwork all ready and pen in hand, A began to cry, telling me that she just could not sign the papers. After consoling her, we agreed to keep in touch. Over the next approximately two years, I met with A, regularly. Finally, we met and A was able to move forward.

It didn't take long for me to sell her home. No, I didn't sell her another home to move to. A had already decided to move into a rental apartment building where her sister lived. At a later date, the building's owner applied to have the building changed to 'Condo' status; A bought her rental unit, directly from the owner.

Over the years we've kept in touch. Just before Christmas was the last time I saw her, until today. As I mentioned, her son K, called me last evening. Apparently, A had a health problem that led to her being hospitalized at Hotel Dieu-Grace Hospital (the hospital where Gordon died). Unfortunately, A has lung cancer; doctors have not given her son K, an idea of how long she will live.

A has lived a long life, already. She's in her 90's and is still as smart as a whip. Today, when I saw her, she was as spry as ever. But, using oxygen and being tired, I knew she wasn't as healthy as she once was.

Tomorrow, I'll be listing for sale, A's condo apartment on Riverside Dr. E. at Goyeau St. I know that it will be a sad time for her. Tonight, I tried to reassure her that God is in control. Hopefully, she will not worry, as my realtor friend/co-worker C and I will do our best to make this as painless a process as possible.

Why am I telling you this? Because I love A and know she needs prayer. If you can find it in your heart to do so, please pray for her. And, for her family.

Life is really like a vapour. It disappears right before our eyes. People sometimes say that we're here one day and gone the next. I don't agree. I know from my own experience in life that it's as quick as we're here one second and could be gone the next.

We all need Jesus as our Saviour, for He is our key to heaven. I feel blessed that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

Father, we thank You, for Your many blessings to us. You are such an awesome God. We thank You for sending Jesus to be the sacrifice to end all sacrifices, for us. We thank You for sending the Holy Spirit, to intercede with utterings and groanings for us when we pray, for we don't always know what to pray for. Allow the Holy Spirit to convict us of any sin in our lives, so we can be clean vessels before You. Father, we won't pray for healing for A, but rather, we ask that Your will be done in her life and in the lives of her family members, for You alone know the plans You have for her and indeed everyone. We all have friends and family that need salvation, so we pray for each one. Thank You in advance, for Your answered prayer. In Jesus' precious name we pray. Amen.

Since I know tomorrow will be another busy day, I hope I will sleep as well as some of you do! Nighty-night! Sleep tight! Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Until next time...

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Before I forget, I want to apologize to my friend J, because I had forgotten that J not only had to work on her taxes, but also had a birthday celebration for her brother, on Friday! While I thought she couldn't enjoy dinner with M & D on Friday, due to working on her taxes, I was incorrect. She enjoyed dinner with her family. Happy 48th Birthday P!

Also, I need to ask for prayer for my friend W, who was celebrated by me and other friends, yesterday. Not only was she at the hospital in pain, but on top of all her current health problems, it seems she may have a kidney stone. Your continued prayer would be appreciated. Thank you. May God bless you.

Last night, I slept fairly well. Again, I dreamed a 'not-so-great' dream, but Gordon was in it.

This morning I awoke, feeling like I really need to try to get a handle on my grief. Recently, I read that the average person grieves 18-24 months. When I read it, I actually said aloud, "No way! I can't do this!".

Now, I know that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me, but to think of feeling the way I have been feeling for 18-24 months, would be like experiencing a slow and painful death. Hmmm...then again, heaven would be great!

Seriously, this grief-sorrow that I feel is so bad that I know if I didn't have Jesus with me, I couldn't make it through even one day!

I'm tired of praying and asking God to either take me to heaven or heal me. Sometimes, I feel like my pain is just a continuation of Gordon's suffering, for he felt like this, too. So, my prayers of late have been different. I've been asking God to reveal to me why I am not healing well through my grief and what I can do about it.

I need to qualify what I just said. Most people think I'm doing well. In fact, many people tell me I'm doing great. Let's face it, other people just see what I project of myself, not what I am feeling inside. From the outside, I look like I'm doing okay. I just don't feel like I'm going to make it through this trial, unless God intercedes for me. So, I've asked Him to intercede and show me the way. I've asked this before, many times, but until today, I have not had a response from Him; I'll elaborate further, a little later in this entry.

After worship service, I went to the cemetary, to Gordon's grave. I know, I was just there, yesterday on the 6 month anniversary of his death. When I got up this morning, I decided I would not go, today. Later, I decided I would, but wondered if I should be going so often. Maybe once a week is too much. Maybe I shouldn't go at all.

This is a question that is not easy to answer. My friend/realtor C, whose wife died last April, isn't able to visit his wife B's grave very often; he says he's glad about this. This weekend was the first time in several months that he visited B's grave, for her grave is up north, where his family members are buried. He is still grieving. So, maybe I'm not as unusual or slow in my grief, as I sometimes think I am.

Still, I wonder if going to Gordon's grave isn't good for me. Today, I sat on a lawn chair at his grave, for about forty minutes. Singing, crying, talking to him and to God. Praying. Asking for direction and healing.

Then, on I went to Pastor B's small church group at 4:00 pm. Even though I had decided previously that I wouldn't attend, today, I am glad I did. As I've mentioned in the past, I don't worship with his flock regularly. However, on Easter, when I sang special music during worship, Pastor B began a 4-week sermon-series with the focus being on forgiveness.

You may have heard me say that I could write a book about forgiveness; if not, you have now. With all the problems I've had in my life, if I hadn't been able to forgive others, I'd be insane or dead. Next to salvation, forgiveness is the next most needed gift everyone needs and needs to extend to others. This is a topic for another day.

However, I must say that when Pastor B spoke about being ungrateful, he used an example of a mother whose young son had died. The mother was grieving and couldn't stop feeling horrible. He explained that it may have been due to being unforgiving, in the sense of being ungrateful. Explaining further, he discussed how we need to be grateful in all things. I suppose I've heard this a thousand times and have even quoted scripture to others about this, but it struck me right in my heart.

Am I being ungrateful to God, while grieving Gordon? Maybe so. While I've stated repeatedly that I am thankful that Gordon was in my life, that we married, that Gordon was saved, etc. It only dawned on me today, that possibly I am thinking too much about my loss, instead of being happy I had Gordon in my life, at all. I know I haven't yet been able to get a handle on it; the pain of my loss is so very great. Especially since he was one person in my life I could say actually loved me. And, it hurts to know that love is gone.

Still, I'm going to try thinking about Gordon in a more positive light. I've prayed to God to help me be thankful for the time I had with Gordon. Hopefully, this will help. Maybe I'm ready to do this, now. I tried it before, but every time I thought about good things with him, I just became overwhelmed with pain and sorrow about losing him and would fall apart, emotionally.

Father, if it is your will, I ask that you heal me and others who are grieving the loss of loved ones. I also ask for wisdom and guidance with this problem and thank you, in advance. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Until next time...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

6 Months & Strawberry Fields...forever...

At 12:30 am, this morning, it was exactly six months since my beloved husband Gordon, died.

No one has to tell me that it was God's will; I know this. I am thankful knowing that Gordon is healed, happy and with Jesus, in heaven. Does this mean that I have to be happy that I am left behind, to live a lonely life?

I miss Gordon, more than I can say.

On one hand, it seems like the time has flown by; on the other hand, it seems like an eternity, without him. Sometimes, I wonder how I can go on.

When I left home this morning, I had several stops to make, including some for work. Then, I went to the cemetary, to Gordon's grave. It probably sounds silly, but I sang to him: Wishing You Were Here Again, from the Phantom of the Opera. If you know the song, you'll know that the lyrics speak of knowing you must say, 'goodbye'. I know that I must say, 'goodbye' to my love.

I cannot carry on in limbo, like this. Crying daily, feeling like I'm going to break apart, physically. It's obviously God's will for me to be here on earth, still. Every night, I've prayed that He would take me home, to be in heaven with Jesus and Gordon. Every morning, I wake up, still here, to suffer another day.

Somehow there has to be a way to be able to say, 'goodbye' to my love. If I don't, I don't think I will be able to move forward with my life. The pain isn't allowing me to move on; the heartbreak of what we went through, how he suffered and died, keeps me suffering.

I'm trusting in God, for everything in my life. He comes first. Gordon knew this and grew to accept it, for in the beginning of our relationship, he wanted to be first in my life. So, when I hear people comment that I need stronger faith, it's upsetting. If you knew the story of my life, you'd know that (maybe) no one could have stronger faith, than me. I know that I cannot take my next breath, unless God ordains it.

God's ways are not our ways. I have no idea why God chose to take Gordon home, instead of healing him. I don't know why God would allow me to suffer like this. He's in control of everything. Including me. Yet, I continue to suffer.

This afternoon, I picked up my friend B; we met at E's home, along with several other Christian sisters-in-the-Lord. Since today's gathering was in honour of our friend W, who will be having surgery next month and is suffering with other health problems currently, I never mentioned I had been at the cemetary, or that it is the six month anniversary of Gordon's death.

We had a wonderful time of food, fun and fellowship, together. W, brought her niece C. C was kind enough to do our nails, once again. It was a great 'girls' day, for all of us.

Unfortunately, I just heard from E, that W is at the hospital, for she is in such dire pain. If you believe in prayer, please pray for healing for W, as I have, too. Thank you. May God bless you.

God blesses me in so many ways, that sometimes I feel like I just can't believe it. This is why I can't understand why God hasn't allowed me and/or helped me to come to terms with Gordon's death.

After arriving home, I watched a DVD: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, featuring music by the Beatles, but acting/sung by the Bee Gee's, along with Peter Frampton, Steve Martin, George Burns, Aerosmith, Alice Cooper, Billy Preston, plus Earth, Wind & Fire, and more.

Gordon loved the Beatles music; in fact, when we were in New York City, we saw the 'Dakota' apartment building where John Lennon had lived and been killed outside of. We also visited, 'Strawberry Fields', in Central Park.

Sgt. Pepper's was one of Gordon's favourites. Of course, he loved the Beatles and their music, but that wasn't why he liked this musical, for the Beatles weren't even in it. The story line isn't actually of a serious nature, so it wasn't for the story. No, it was for another reason. It had to do with me.

Gordon told me that the first time he saw Sgt. Pepper's, he began to cry when he saw, 'Strawberry Fields', played by Sandy Farina. He felt that she reminded him of me, in appearance and in voice, when she sang. The me, that is, from before I was involved in the bus collision, when I was hit by a tractor-trailer driver.

In fact, every time he watched Sgt. Pepper's, he would cry, for it reminded him of how much my life had changed. How much I had changed. He missed the 'old' me. Unless you had experienced something like this, you probably could not understand, very well. But, I look different and became different. Like I died that day, and became someone else. Poor Gordon. He never did come to terms with that. He mourned me, ever since. But, his love for me never died.

Well, he doesn't have to mourn, now. For he is happy, healthy, healed, with his Saviour, in heaven. One thing is for sure: I'll always be Gordon's, 'Strawberry Fields'.

I'm the person mourning, now. If I could just accept what's happened, my life would be better. Once again, if you believe in prayer, please pray for me. Thank you. May God bless you, richly.

Until next time...

Friday, April 9, 2010

Friendship & Love...

After all the talk about sleep in yesterday's entry, I slept pretty well, last night. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Last evening, my friend M called and asked what I had planned for tonight. When I replied that I didn't have any plans, she responded that she was happy, because she and her husband D were going to bring pizza for supper. Wow! This sounded like a good plan to me, so I agreed!

Knowing I was to have company, I thought it might be a good idea to vacuum and dust, today. Hey! Any excuse will do! At least it gets done! Now that my home is clean, anyone want to visit?! :-))

In addition, knowing that tomorrow I will be meeting with a few Christian church sisters for an afternoon of fun, food and fellowship, I needed to shop for fruit, as I was to bring fruit platters with me. So, I decided that in my travels, I also needed to grocery shop.

What a chore! Normally, it doesn't bother me, but my poor knee and foot with the broken toe caused me so much pain, that I could hardly walk by the time I arrived home.

Of course, then I needed to unpack groceries, wash and create the fruit platters for tomorrow, make a salad and prepare for my contribution for tonight's meal. I was glad that when I had previously baked cupcakes, that I had frozen a handful, for I just defrosted them, iced them, washed some fruit and voila! Dessert! Phew! Was I glad to finally be able to sit down!

M, D, Gordon and I used to get together every couple months or so. We would take turns at each other's homes. Sometimes they would bring pizza, sometimes we would. Whoever was doing the driving would pick up the pizza, from our favourite place. The person whose home we would be at, would supply salad, dessert and beverages. We always had a good time.

You may remember that J and I did this a few weeks ago, with M and D, at their home. Tonight, they had hoped that J would be with us, but she felt she was too busy working on her tax info that she needs to compile, so she decided to not join us.

Poor J. You don't know what you missed. Then again, maybe you do, especially since you confirmed to me that our favourite pizza place has now become yours, too! M, D and I felt badly you weren't with us, but even through our sorrow (lol), we enjoyed every delectable morsel that entered our hungry mouths! Seriously, it would have been nice to have had you with us.

While I tried to not let it bother me, I did think about it being the first time that M and D had come to my home to celebrate our favourite meal together, since Gordon died. The empty seat at the table bothered me, but I don't think they even knew, for I tried to not let my heartbreak show.

I miss Gordon more than I can say. No, he wasn't perfect. Neither am I. But, he was my life. Now, I don't have a life, anymore. I just feel like an empty shell, going about my daily activities.

We had quite an evening of stimulating conversation. Some about God. Some about the Bible. And, some about the book, 'The Shack'.

M is like me. She is a born-again believer, who enjoys worshipping God. She worships at a different church than I, but this really is not important. We've known each other for many years and have always related well. You may remember that M has just returned to work, after recovering from having a mastectomy. I love her, dearly.

M and D had both been previously married, just as Gordon and I had. In fact, we were married the same year. It's kind of funny really, to understand our connection.

You see, M and I sold real estate and knew each other through that connection. Gordon and D had much in common, too. They had both been raised worshipping at Grace & Truth Brethren chapel, here in Windsor. Small world, isn't it?!

D is a kindhearted man, who has had his share or more of problems in life. Of course, many/most of us have. D kind of walks, thinks and worships to the beat of his own drum. I say this lovingly, for I love him dearly, too.

Tonight, as I mentioned, we had stimulating conversation about many topics. Hopefully, they enjoyed the evening as much as I did. The fun, food and fellowship was a blessing to me. Thank you, M and D. Your companionship was wonderful.

As I write this, I realize that in about forty minutes, it will be exactly six months since Gordon died. I cannot believe that I am still alive, breathing and functioning. As I said previously, he was my life. I miss him, terribly. I love him, and I always will.

Until next time...

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Last night, I was so-o tired. Until I went to bed, that is! It's gotten to be a bad habit, not being able to sleep.

Oh, I try. Usually, I read my Bible (I try to read my Bible completely, over the course of one year, or less), until I am tired and feel my eyelids drooping. Being this tired, you'd think that I would be able to drift off, quickly. Nope. Inevitably, sleep does not come. Instead, like some miracle, my eyelids open, I toss and turn and cannot drift off to sleep.

Prayer. Wow! Have you ever prayed so much that you feel like you cannot stay awake? I have! After thanking God for this, I once again close my eyes, expecting to be in 'never never land', within seconds. Nope. Same thing happens. Eyelids open, brain wakes up and I'm up and running, again.

Over the last few months, I sometimes lay in bed, quietly shedding some tears, so that I don't disturb any of my neighbours. This should wear me out, in my opinion. Nope. Usually, at this point I get up, have a sip of water and return to bed, confident that I will be able to nod off. After all, by now it is quite late; usually the middle of the night. Nope.

Once again, I get up. Convinced that I am just not going to sleep, no matter how tired I am, I may/may not take an asprin, for sometimes this will help the situation. Once seated in my recliner chair, sometimes I read. Sometimes, I watch television; not much programming is interesting in the middle of the night!

Of late, I've been watching a movie on VCR tape or on DVD; there's a couple of movies that I have found comforting, so I've watched these, repeatedly. By the time the movie is over, I actually feel exhausted to the point of collapse. Of course, the clock reads time when most people are getting up, not heading to bed! Usually, between 5:00-7:00 am.

My alarm was set for 7:15 am, this morning. Since it was after 5:30 am when I climbed into bed and found I could drift off, it was to be a short night. Actually, it got shorter, for I woke up at least four times that I recall, worried that I would be in such a deep sleep that I would miss my alarm and sleep in. Wouldn't that be horrible?!!!

By the time my alarm sounded, I just could not make myself get up. Since the seminar I was to attend wasn't part of my continuing education required for my licencing, I decided to reset my alarm and not attend.

Was I able to enjoy a restful sleep? Sort of. For a little while! Before 9:00 am, my friend B, called. Within a few minutes afterwards, C called. Almost immediately afterwards, a realtor/friend M, called. Did I speak with any one of these people? No. With each call, I asked if I could call them back.

Then, the worst happened. I couldn't get back to sleep. Okay! Okay! I got the hint. I should have just gotten up as planned and forced myself to go to the seminar. At least I would have felt like I accomplished something, this morning!

Oh well, lunchtime made up for it. I met my friend A, at East Side Mario's. We had a wonderful time of interesting conversation, good food and Christian fellowship. I've known A for many years. Through working at real estate, actually.

There was a time when I did a lot of commercial work, including sales, leasing and sales of businesses. A worked at a hotel, here in Windsor, where I had been hired to do leasing. We hit it off and became friends. I feel like part of her family, for even her son and his family treat me like I belong with them! Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

We've been friends through thick and thin. Good times and not so good times. A became a widow about three years ago; her husband B, was a good man. We have a lot in common. I love her, dearly. I'm blessed knowing her.

Today, A paid our bill. Thank you, A! It wasn't as disasterous as per usual lunches, for I had a coupon for a free lunch and together, we had a coupon for a free dessert. Normally, we don't have dessert, for we believe that neither of us need it! :-)) Still, it was a delicious end to a wonderful time, together.

Of course, life carries on, even after enjoyable times, so I just carried on with my daily duties.

Tonight, I'm hoping it's Gods will for me to be able to literally collapse into bed and sleep, soundly. Is that your snoring, I hear???

Until next time...