Thursday, March 25, 2010

A Prune???

This afternoon, I had a call from my friend A, who was once again inviting me for supper this coming Monday. The day of Gordon's and my wedding anniversary.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, I don't believe I will be attending the last meeting of the grief counselling support meeting for widows, on Monday. The reason is the same one I told my friend A, today. In fact, it is the same reason I gave my friend J, who wanted to take me out for lunch, on Monday. It's also the same reason I told my realtor/friend C that I wouldn't go to dinner with him and other friends, on Monday.

I just cannot see myself being in control enough of my emotions to spend time with anyone, on Monday.

To say I am blessed, is beyond the truth. I know that I could not ask for better friends and/or support at this time. The truth is that God has provided more wonderful, loving support than I ever dreamed or imagined I could ever have. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Truly, I felt badly for A, today. She admitted to me that there was supposed to be six of us meeting at her home, on Monday; she was feeling badly having to call each person to cancel, for each woman was hoping to support me. While I feel so very badly for her, I still feel blessed.

May God bless each and every person who has been praying for me and supporting me through this heartbreaking grief and time of loss. I know that God provided each and every one of you, to show me that I am loved.

I don't deserve this. I know that as a sinner, I deserve the wrath of God. I know that it is only by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone, that I have been saved and have found favour with God. I know that my salvation truly is a gift from God, not of works, provided to me so that I cannot boast about having done anything to deserve it or earn it.

The same goes for the loving support I have been blessed with. I know I don't deserve the love I am receiving. This in no way diminishes the value of the love I am being given, but rather enhances it. Puffs it up. Makes the love received, even greater in value, to me.

I have found it amazing that some of the people I thought would be a support to me, haven't been. But, I have been blessed beyond belief by people who I never dreamed would support me, showing me love and support that I have so badly needed.

Does everyone need this love and support when they lose a loved one? I suppose I truly cannot answer that question. However, I can say that I have lost grandparents, parents, other relatives and even been previously divorced (yes, people feel grief through divorce) and never did I need the support and love that I feel I need, now. Of course, never before have I felt like part of me has been ripped out, torn away from my body and soul.

Tonight, while at prayer and Bible study, someone prayed for me, that God would help me to grieve Gordon in a way that would help me to feel less pain, knowing I would be seeing Gordon again, in heaven. Thanks be to that person. I truly want to be able to be happy that Gordon is in heaven, with Jesus. Especially since I know I will see him again, when I go to heaven. For whatever reason that only seems to be known to God, I just truly haven't been able to feel happy about this.

I just know that I miss him, every minute of every day. When I think about living like this, with the pain I feel, I wonder how I can cope for the rest of my life. No matter how many times I have prayed and asked God to take me home with Him, so I can be with Jesus and Gordon, He has chosen to allow me to awake every morning.

This shows me that God has a plan for my life. His plan obviously includes a purpose for my life, that I am not yet aware of. I just cannot focus on long-term life, for it becomes overwhelming. So, to date, I have been just trying to live one day at a time, relying on my Lord to help me, every second of every minute, of every hour of every day.

I'm hoping to feel better after Easter, for between now and Easter, I can only see times of pain, filled with firsts without Gordon: first wedding anniversary, first Good Friday, Easter Saturday (the day we were married was on the Saturday of Easter weekend) and of course Easter.

Believe me, if I thought Calgon could take away all this upcoming pain, I'd look like a prune!


Until next time...