Another first happened to me last night. As you know, I only began dreaming again, a few weeks ago. I have hardly been sleeping, never mind dreaming, since Gordon died. Well, last night I actually dreamt of him. Sort of. It wasn't a good dream, but rather, I dreamt of Gordon in a nightmare. Don't ask me the details of the nightmare, because I cannot recall, tonight.
My grief counsellor, Pastor C, will probably tell me that I am progressing through my grief, again. I was the only person in either of the two groups (Thursdays & Mondays) that had not dreamt about a lost loved one. So, I suppose I should be thankful for this 'first'. Hopefully, any subsequent dreams will be happier ones.
This morning, I awoke with the realization that I needed to make up my mind if I was going to attend a memorial service for a fellow realtor/broker-owner of a local real estate company. My co-worker/friend C, had asked me to call and we'd make a decision, together, so I did. C wasn't feeling well, so decided to not attend. This left me in a dilemma. You see, this wasn't a memorial service like I had ever attended before, so I wasn't comfortable attending, especially alone.
Yes, no; yes, no. My mind kept bouncing like a ball. Should I; shouldn't I? Why the dilemma? The realtor in question had been already cremated. There was no funeral service or visitation at a funeral home. Instead, there was to be a memorial wake held at one of the Royal Canadian Legions, here in Windsor.
Whenever I thought of attending, I felt very uncomfortable, knowing that people would be drinking alcohol, etc. during the memorial service. But, whenever I thought about not attending, I felt like God was leading me to go. So, I went.
Unfortunately, I won't be able to tell you in this entry how the memorial service was, because I have other things to say, tonight. So, 'tune in' tomorrow, for the full scoop!
I will tell you that all day, I thought about God using this trial of Gordon's death to bring me closer to Him. Every time I think of why God would take Gordon home, removing him from my life, I know in my heart it is because He wants me to rely on Him and not Gordon. I thought of how our Refiner's fire works, cleansing us from our impurities, bringing us closer to Him.
In addition, I know that long ago, I made a commitment to God, to live for Him and Him, alone. Jesus is my Saviour. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I cannot even take my next breath, unless God ordains it. Gordon's life was no different.
I suppose when I finally get to heaven (which I hope is soon!), I'll find out the total/complete reason for this heartbreaking trial in my life. Until then, does this mean that because I am trusting in Jesus for everything in my life, that I won't grieve the loss of my husband?
Does this mean that I won't miss his tender touch, his hugs, kisses, unending love for me? Does this mean that I am above the hurt and anguish of losing the love of my life? No. I'm only human. I will grieve. I will cry. I will hurt. And, I will heal. In God's time, with His help and love.
As I said previously, when I awoke today, I thought about how God wants me to rely on Him and Him, alone. Not Gordon, not anyone; just Him. And, was reminded of a song with beautiful Christian lyrics that friends had posted on facebook:
The Deer's Cry
I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning.
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.
I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's eyes to look before me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
From all who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in a multitude.
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my
body and soul,
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ to shield me,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me.
I will arise, today.
Isn't this beautiful?! I had never heard it, before; you can find it on youtube, I'm sure. When I heard the song and read the lyrics, I knew it described my relationship with God/Jesus, before Gordon died.
Since Gordon's death, I have to admit that I haven't always felt that confident in God's love for me, for I have felt so very let down that He chose to not heal Gordon, but take him home, to heaven. Of course, this was my will, for Gordon to be healed; it wasn't God's will. I always prayed that God's will be done, but with the hope that it was God's will to heal him. Alas, it wasn't God's will.
Friends, thank you for posting the song on facebook. I needed it. God knew I did, so He had you post it, just for me; even if no one else appreciated it, I did. May God bless you, richly.
Until next time...