Thursday, February 4, 2010

Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda?!

After a couple of quick errands, I managed to arrive at my church by approximately 10:30 am, with two large containers of salad. Wow! It was a good thing I did make a lot of salad, for the funeral attendance was probably the largest one I've seen in our church; even the balcony was used, today.

During the luncheon, I had the pleasure of being seated among some church family and some ex-church family. There were times when I felt like I wanted to pinch myself to see if I was really at a funeral luncheon or just dreaming, for we had a wonderful time of fellowship.

Today, I managed to find time to visit Shoppers Drug Mart, where (believe it or not) my favourite fragrance was on sale: Mackie. It's highly unusual to EVER see it on sale anywhere; in fact, sometimes it's almost impossible to find, so I bought extra!

Later, I visited my friend M, who (as you know) is recovering from surgery. Today's visit was much like my other visits, except that today, she repeatedly asked me how I was doing and wouldn't take 'okay' as an answer.

M is married for the second time. Her first husband was a teacher, who died one year after being diagnosed with cancer. She insisted we talk about him. Then, she insisted we talk about Gordon.

No matter that I was there to lift her up and be a friend to M, she wouldn't stop, until we discussed how I was doing with my grief. You won't be surprised to hear that I ended up crying with her and later, alone.

M is a really good friend; one I feel 'safe' with. She insisted I must be having a hard time, for she knew what I went through with Gordon; well, at least some, for I've never really told others about some of the more painful issues. No, not even my best friends know of everything.

She commented that the difference between us, losing our husbands, was that it was shocking for me to lose Gordon, while she had about a year to come to terms and accept her first husband's pending death. It may sound shocking to hear that, but I knew she was right. We discussed it. Truly, it was shocking to me, for Dr. Shamisa, Gordon's Neuro Surgeon, had just told us in July that his brain tumour had not grown much (we believed due to the power of prayer) and determined that Gordon didn't need to see him, unless his circumstances changed. i.e. If his symptoms worsened. So, yes. It was rather shocking to me, to have him collapse, become unconscious for eight days, until he died.

Some of our discussion was generated by M. She wanted to make sure I wasn't dwelling on the: I shoulda, woulda, coulda's of the past and made it clear that we all think about these things, when we lose a loved one.

Lately, I have been wondering if there really was anything more I could have done for Gordon. I've had fleeting thoughts about whether I should have or could have checked into getting treatment for him in China or India, where the expense wouldn't have broken the bank, since our Canadian medical system wouldn't provide treatment for Gordon, because he couldn't prove he had cancer.

Other questions have popped into my thoughts, but the reality is that I KNOW I did everything I could have possibly done to help him.

One day, I'll publish the poem she gave me as I was leaving, but not today.

Since M lives close to where the cemetary is, I visited Gordon's grave and read the poem. Yes, I cried there and all the way home, even while driving. While that wasn't so good, in a way, it was. For by the time I arrived at the church for my grief counselling support group, I was cried out. At least for a while and only shed a few tears during tonight's class, when I was upset hearing others speak about their lost loved ones. At least I didn't cry a lot, tonight. Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!

Afterwards a group of us enjoyed a time of fellowship and coffee at the nearby Tim Horton's. So what else is new?!

It's getting late, so I will say, 'goodnight'.

Until next time...