Saturday, February 20, 2010

Work and More...

It's Saturday. Normally, I write my blog entry late in the evening, but since I will be attending a Bible study group this evening, I thought I should write earlier, today.

Most people think of Saturday as being a day off. It's not always so in my business. Real estate seems to be a feast or famine situation, so I must work when I must work and this morning and early afternoon has been no exception. Again, I will say how happy I am that internet, as well as e-mail and fax machines were invented, for they make my job MUCH easier! Even if my work is time-consuming, it is MUCH LESS time consuming than when I first began selling real estate, twenty-two plus years ago.

I just hung up from speaking with my daughter P, who is really not feeling well. It's hard to say what is causing her feeling sickly, but I would hazard a guess that it is the 'new' medicine that she has been taking, in addition to her other medications for Lupus. Methotrexate. May God put it on her Rheumatologist's heart and mind to try to correct this problem, in any way he can. P's appointment is for Monday. Hopefully, something will change, soon and she'll be feeling improved.

There are times when I feel in my heart that P will be okay; there are other times, when I begin to worry, for I know how deadly Lupus can be. Whenever I begin to feel panic or fear setting in, I remind myself that it is sin to worry, for the God's Word tells us that we should not fear, nor be afraid, for He is with us always, even to the end of the age. God is truly in control. I just need to remind self of this, at times.

Thank You, Lord, that no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, I have access to You; that I can pray to You and You hear me, because I am Your child. Thank You, for loving me. Thank You for loving my daughter. If it is Your will, I know You will provide a measure of healing for her, because I'm asking this in Jesus' precious name. I thank You in advance for this. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

While my call to P was to enquire as to how she was feeling, it was also a reason for me to take a break from reading and commenting on the writing of two of my Creative Writing group members. Monday evening, I will meet with them. As per every meeting, we are sent home with writing provided by two members of the group. We read, review for typos, grammar, punctuation, etc., but mostly for content and make our review to them, in writing, so they can take the suggestions/positive criticism home with them, for consideration.

It sounds like it is a lot of work. It can be and sometimes is time consuming. Today, I reviewed a letter to God written by one group member and now, I am reviewing chapters of a book that is almost ready to go to print, written by another member. I'll keep you posted, as to the success of this book, in time.

As I am feeling the fog lifting, I've mentioned that I feel depressed. It's true. It's normal. It's paralysing. Hopefully, it will be over, soon. At least over enough, so that I can go back to writing the book I began to write, what seems to be an eternity ago. Since Gordon's extreme situation this past summer and his death, I just have not been able to make myself go back and write. I think some call this, writer's block, but truly I believe it is not. It's just the same feeling that prevents me from doing things some days.

Usually, I can force myself to do what I need to do, but some days, anything that I deem to be an option, just waits. Sometimes, I just sit and look out at the water, marinas, lighthouse and general landscape, because I feel overwhelmed with pain and grief. I won't say it is relaxing, although it can be, but in my grief, it is more of a paralysing feeling I have.

The pain just won't go away. It's not just of loss, although the loss I feel is great. I truly feel like my heart is breaking, physically. Sometimes, the chest pain I have is so severe, that I feel like my insides are being ripped out.

One thing is for sure: I wish my grief was progressing as quickly as my grief counselling programme is. I believe next week is the last week for the group. I wish I could say that next week will also be my last week to feel the intense pain of the grief I am experiencing.

Until next time...