On my way to worship service yesterday, I made some Valentine deliveries to friends and family. After worship, I completed the task and went to the cemetary, where I attached a Valentine to Gordon's wreath.
Then, it was on to visit P and her family. Today, is her boyfriend K's birthday. Yesterday, rather than bake/decorate a cake for him, I made cupcakes and decorated each one with a letter that spelled out, 'Happy Birthday' and his name. So we celebrated his birthday. My eldest daughter B's youngest son, A was visiting, so I got to hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him, in addition to P's three sons; this was so nice, for I rarely get to see him.
As you know, February is love month and I have no love (partner) to share it with, this year. Four months ago Gordon died; sometimes it seems like such a short time and sometimes it seems like an eternity.
One thing I did come to realize after Gordon collapsed and later died, was that it is important to tell people you love, that you love them. I've been doing that, lately. Especially since it is love month. It just seemed like a good opportunity to tell each person how much I care for them.
While Gordon suffered with his inoperable brain tumour, the complications, the effects, depression and problems that arose from it, life was extremely stressful.
A friend had told me about Celebrate Recovery (CR); it is a Bible-based, Christian twelve step recovery programme. When most people think of a recovery programme, I've found they think of drug or alcohol problems; I'm not a user and have never had a drinking/drug problem. Nor am I a prude; I just was not cut out to be a drinker, etc. While CR's programme is designed to help people with those problems, it is actually designed to help ALL types of hurts, habits or hang-ups. Not only did I attend the programme, but I also completed a Bible study programme designed to qualify me to become a leader, within the programme.
It was a very enjoyable and relaxing programme. When called upon, I would sometimes help out with the praise and worship portion of each evening. Usually this first part included not just musical praise and worship, but also either a lesson or a speaker. Yes, I was a speaker on one occasion, giving my testimony.
In part two, we broke into small groups; men with men and women with women. This was a time to share, if we felt we wanted/needed to. Then, in part three, we all reunited for a fellowship coffee time. All in all, it was a wonderful diversion for me, during the worst of the stressful times.
I believe this programme worked so well, because it truly was a case where Biblical standards were kept. God's Word says that two are better than one; this way there is one person to help lift up the other, if needed.
Lift each other up, we did. It was a very Christian loving group. We would regularly tell those we cared for that we loved them. It was a very normal, natural thing to do in this setting.
One thing I realized very quickly after Gordon collapsed, was the importance of telling those you care for/love that you care for/love them. It was impossible to know for sure if Gordon was aware of me telling him I loved him or hearing me pray for him, read the Bible to him or whatever, because he was unconscious. Certainly, after he died, it was impossible to say my 'goodbyes' to him.
At first, I thought I was handling everything well, but then when my friend M, began battling breast cancer and had to have extra surgery, I began to feel a panic inside me.
There were people in my life, currently and from my past that I love, that I realized I hadn't told I love them. Some, I had wanted to tell forever and a day and just never had the opportunity. Please understand, this is not some weirdo stuff, or sexual stuff, or off-the-wall kind of stuff, but rather just a basic need to tell people that I love them, before it's too late, for whatever reason. After all, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow; as I found out with Gordon, we're not even guaranteed our next breath.
Since it was love month, I began making sure I told everyone I felt I wanted to, that I loved them. With most people this was okay.
I found one person it wasn't okay with. In fact, they were so upset about me telling them how I felt, that they actually dropped me as a friend on facebook. No matter how much I tried to explain, it did no good. I think this person may have thought I was a nut-bar or something, but I'm not. This did show me that either this person has some hang-up of their own, or cannot believe that not everything in this world is sexual.
I can't wait to hear from some other people I e-mailed; I realize now that some may think I've lost my mind or worse, too. Oh well, if it happens, it happens. God knows my heart. He knows I want nothing in return from any of the people I've told that I love them.
Some people recognized the need to say the words, in return. Some were very happy; this made me happy, too. For sure, my friend M knows the importance of letting people know you care. She's a firm believer in that, especially with first husband's and her own cancer battles.
So is God. For God is love. Faith, hope and love. The greatest of these, is love.
This entry is the earliest one I've done, yet. Since it is the middle of the night and I have not yet slept, I should probably say, 'goodnight'. Maybe, 'goodmorning' would be better!
Until next time...