Before I begin today's entry, I would like to say that I feel very sad for the people of Chile and all who have been affected by the earthquake and resulting tsunami(s). My prayers are with you, all. May God have mercy and provide for each person/family.
If you read yesterday's entry, you'll know I wrote it early, because I was going to have dinner and see a movie with my friend J. After all, it was her birthday!
The movie was, 'Miracle in the Woods'. It was a good movie; we both enjoyed it. This was another first for me, for it was the first time going to Calvary Community Church on movie night, since Gordon died. In fact, we sat where Gordon and I usually sat, with J sitting in his seat.
Afterwards, in the foyer, it felt like I was attending some kind of a reunion. There were so many people there that I knew. In fact, I had never seen so many people attend the movie, before; in the past, there were times when there were only a handful of people. Not this time! There were so many people that extra chairs were added. Wow! And, it seemed that I knew many of them!
Being the Lord's day, I worshipped at church, this morning. It is important to me that God is first in my life. After all, Jesus loves me; the Bible tells me so.
Afterwards, I had some errands to do for work, so I dropped off a key and took paperwork to my office. Since it was near the cemetary where Gordon is buried, I visited his grave.
Again, I found I made virgin tracks into snow as I made my way to Gordon's grave. Actually, I'm glad I placed a wreath at the gravesite, for it makes it easier to find. When I go there, I usually feel good about going there; but, then when I get there, I find myself wondering why I've done it. Usually, there's not another living soul in sight. Traffic driving by must think the lone woman, standing in the middle of nowhere, crying, must be crazy. Maybe I am.
Sometimes, I think I am losing my mind. Although, I must admit, I don't feel as badly as I did in the beginning, in some ways, but I feel worse, in other ways. I just wish this pain would leave me. Either that, Lord...or take me home, please. I suppose I shouldn't feel so impatient, for God will provide for me, in His time.
It's just awful to feel so unhappy. I don't mean I don't have joy, for I have joy in the Lord. He's my all in all. He's my best friend; I know He'll never leave me, nor forsake me. I just don't know why I must feel such pain and sorrow; it seems like it will never end.
I've had people tell me that they think I'm doing well. To others, it may seem that way, because I push myself to do what I know I need to do. But, it doesn't change my broken heart.
Since it is Sunday evening, I just finished watching, 'The Amazing Race'. Normally, I really enjoy watching that show, not just for the show itself, but also, because I can see parts of the world I've either visited or hope to visit. That is, that's the way it used to be. Now, I can't even enjoy the show the same way.
In fact, my whole desire to travel has changed, since Gordon died. I know I'm not well, when I can't look forward to seeing the world. Gordon once told me he would show me the world; he did. Now, when I watch travel shows, like I did today when I watched Rick Steves' Europe, I usually feel sad, instead of happy. Today, Rick was in Spain and took a day trip to Tangiers, Morocco.
Normally, when Gordon and I watched programmes like this, we would smile and talk/remember visiting these places. We had visited Morocco: Marrakesh, Casablanca, Tangiers; yes, we were there. Today, instead of being happy, I felt sick and cried. I miss my earthly best friend, so very much. I can't even think about going anywhere new, without him. Nor can I even think about returning anywhere we've been to in the past, for my heart breaks at the thought of going without him.
Sometimes I feel God must be very disappointed in me. After all, there are much more important issues in the world, today. It's a good thing I have a great relationship with Him; He loves me. And, I know that somehow He will help me through this horrible grief I am experiencing.
Hopefully, you'll be as patient with me as He is.
Until next time...