Yesterday seemed to be a great day, but after not being able to easily get to sleep, I wondered 'why'?
I realized it had been a great day, because I had not been home, alone and lonely. I realized it was because I had been out and about, spending time with those who care for me and who I care for. It was because we didn't have to discuss Gordon's death, other than we missed him. We laughed and cried. We enjoyed each other's company.
The trouble is, sooner or later you have to come home. Back to earth. Reality. He's not here. You're alone. Everywhere you look, you have reminders of a lost love. It's heartbreaking.
A strange reminder of my loss was, believe it or not, watching Rick Steves' Europe TV show. Today, he was in N. Ireland.
Together, Gordon and I had visited N. Ireland, several times. My Irish family lives there.
When Rick was in Port Rush, I looked at Gordon's photo and began to cry, thinking 'we had been there'. Seeing the 'wishing chair' at Giants Causeway, made me remember when Gordon and some of my Irish family sat there while I took photos; that day, I said that I thought it was more like a 'wishing couch' and not a chair, because there were so many family members in the photo. When Rick showed Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, I thought my heart was going to break open, for I recalled Gordon and some of my Irish family crossing on the rope bridge and visiting the island, while my cousin M and I took photos and filmed the experience. It had been a windy day and the bridge was shut down just after our family crossing. Later, both Gordon and my cousin's husband J, admitted that they each had only crossed because they didn't want the other people to think they were afraid to do so. Why didn't this make me feel good thinking of these great memories? Instead, I found I couldn't stop crying.
Today, as you probably can tell, was a rather 'down' day for me. A let-down after such a great day, yesterday.
There were bright moments. A co-worker/friend of mine M, came to visit. She returned my plate to me, visited and enjoyed a cup of hot chocolate. It was nice to have her visit. Thank you, M!
Work always fills some time and today was no different. One of these days I will have to get my bookkeeping done for the last quarter of 2009, so I can remit my GST. After all, the government is expecting me to do this before the end of the month, so I suppose I will have to force myself to get around to it, soon. Don't you just love those 'round-to-its'?
Late in the afternoon, I began dreading the thought of going to the Grief Counselling program at Parkwood Gospel Temple, because I was feeling so sad, already. Just the thought of thinking, talking and listening about Gordon's and other people's deaths bummed me out. I actually thought about not attending, tonight. Then, I decided I had to give myself a shake and get up and go; just do what you need to do, Lynn.
So, I went and was actually glad I did. Due to confidentiality, I cannot tell you what happened in our meeting, but I'm sure you can imagine. We were divided into one group for men, one group for children and two groups for women. In my group, we had ten women, plus the pastor/counsellor. Afterwards, we had a time of fellowship. It was not easy facing the pain, but now that I'm home, I'm glad I forced myself to go.
And one thing I am really glad about, is having you read my blog. It touches my heart that you care enough to read about the ups and downs of my life, especially since I am suffering grief, at the moment.
Thank you, for caring. I appreciate your love and support. Pleasant dreams.
Until next time...