Sunday, January 24, 2010

Praise and Honour...

As per my usual Sunday morning, I got up, did what I needed to do to prepare to go to worship and left home. My arms were not empty, for I had many things to take with me. Some of what I brought to church was for some friends I knew I would meet there. Some was for others.

It's always such a pleasure and honour to worship God on my Lord's day. Even more so, since I've been missing Thursday night's prayer and Bible study to attend grief counselling.

Today's music was such a joy! We sang hymns and choruses: Praise Him! Praise Him!; Let There Be Glory and Honour and Praises; I Love You, Lord; My Jesus I Love Thee; He is Lord; and Thou Art Worthy. It touches my heart to be able to worship my God in song.

After our worship service, I met my daughter P and her boyfriend K, along with two of my grandsons, at my home near my church. K was kind enough to help me by lighting the furnace pilot, as it had blown out. Or, so I thought. Unfortunately, it could not be re-lit. Thank you K, for trying your best! I appreciate your effort.

This evening, I spoke with my friend J, who works for a company that supplies furnaces, etc.; she supplied me with names and numbers of several heating people that she considers reputable. Thank you, J!

I was able to reach one such person, who told me he will contact me in the morning to see if he can fit the call into his schedule. Hopefully, he will be able to do whatever is necessary, before the colder weather returns. I'm thankful that the weather was quite warm, today. Thank you, Lord!

Hopefully, it will be a minor repair and not something major, like a new furnace being required. Gordon used to clean and maintain the furnace, but this year the maintenance and cleaning did not get done, because he died; actually, with all my upset, I never even thought about it much, until recently.

While I experience times when I feel very 'down', I also have good days. I wouldn't say today was an exceptionally good day, for it truly wasn't, but I love the Lord's day, for I try to focus on Him and not on myself. I know He's always with me; He promised he'd never leave me, nor forsake me. In many ways, He shows me He loves me.

Today was one of those days. Certainly, not at the house, but later. After doing some errands, etc., I was making my way to the cemetary. It had been raining on and off, but began to pour. I prayed about it, asking God to (if it was His will) make the rain let up when I reached the cemetary, so I would not get soaking wet. He did this for me. The rain let up while I was at Gordon's grave. As soon as I got seated once again in my van, it poured heavily, again.

Making another two stops on my way home, the same thing happened. Each time, the rain would stop, just as I was exiting my vehicle and would start up again, after returning to my vehicle. Isn't that just like Him! He always has the best in mind for me and provides for me, always. Thank You, Lord!

I know God loves me. The Bible tells me so. Normally, I know this to be absolutely true, but since I've been grieving, I feel so alone, sometimes. Like He's not there with me. Realistically, I know He is with me, but my heart has been so broken that there are times when I wonder where He is, for I feel so very alone and broken.

There are times when I cry out and ask Him why he responds positively to so many of my prayers, but yet, He didn't heal Gordon when I prayed to Him, to do so. I know that He alone, knows the plans He has for us, for me, to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. I just wish I knew what His plan is for my life, for at this present time, I cannot see a future for me, at all.

I do my best to keep busy, honour Him, pray, preach a gospel message to all the creatures of the earth, as He requires of us, but I feel so empty and alone, instead of feeling blessed by His presence. Please help me, Lord.

My friend A, who previously was my prayer partner, called me. We had a long chat. It's always a blessing to have contact with her. She understands me and what I'm going through. While she has not been widowed, she did have her first husband walk out and leave her, a few years ago. I recall spending endless hours with her, lifting her up, praying for and with her, at all times of the day and night. She tells me, just as my grief counsellor does, that what I'm experiencing is very real and absolutely normal and that I should not expect to feel any differently, for a while.

Funny, but I don't feel normal. I guess that's just the way it is.

Until next time...