This afternoon, I received an e-mail from my friend M. It was one of those e-mails where you're supposed to answer a bunch of questions about yourself and forward it to others, including the person who sent it to you. One of the questions was: Did you cry, today; if so, when? When I responded, I said, "This morning." Had I opened and read the e-mail tonight, I would have responded differently. I would have said, "This morning, this afternoon and this evening."
It's been a rather sad day for me, today. It seems that no matter how I try, I just cannot seem to move on with my life.
A friend on facebook, who is also a fellow realtor, had invited me to watch her perform at a location in Windsor; another realtor friend was going to be there performing as well. It sounded like it would be a fun thing to do.
For days, I have agonized over whether or not to attend. In the past, I've been invited and have never gone. This time was different, because as I've stated in previous entries, I really intend to try to put the past behind and try to build a new life for myself.
This grief thing doesn't really suit me, for I am a relatively happy person, but with all the pain and suffering Gordon (and I) experienced and with his death, I just feel awful.
If you were me, you would feel awful, too. It's not easy losing the only person in the world who truly loved you, faults and all.
Think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. If you knew the story of my life, you would know that it's been filled with much pain, suffering and sorrow and very little love. Some of it may have been caused by my own poor choices, but I assure you that the majority of it, was not. Does it make a difference? No. The end result is still the same.
Gordon was not a perfect person; he had his faults. I accepted his faults, just the way he accepted mine. Is there any perfect person? God's Word tells me there isn't. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, is what God tells us in Romans 3:23. I trust and believe God. So, anyone who says they are good or has no sin, is lying to themselves.
This evening, there was really nothing on television that interested me, so I got out the VCR tape my friend J, had given me. As you know, she records, "The Biggest Loser" for me, because since the CRTC told NBC Channel 4 WDIV Detroit to reduce their signal, I haven't been able to watch the show or any other programming on that station, because I cannot receive the signal, now.
The tape also had other programming recorded on it, including three movies. So, I decided to watch the first movie: Mrs. Winterbourne. It is a comedy with Shirly MacLaine. It's actually a very good movie; I hope you'll watch it, when you have the chance.
While it is a comedy, it is also a love story. While I do not want to describe the whole story to you, I do want to say that the love in it, overcame all. Even deception.
What is love? A many splendored thing? A feeling? No; it's not. God tells us that love is a choice; we choose to love others. This world seems to be filled with mainly false love and very little true love.
1Corinthians chapter 13 is the love chapter of the Bible. Read it for yourself. Verse 13 tells us, "And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love".
I can tell you that the love I had from Gordon was true love. With many problems in our lives, he could have thrown me away, like a piece of garbage, the way many other people in my life have. He didn't. He loved me, cared for me when I was ill, recovering from several major surgeries, always took care of me, even in his death and put up with me, for I too am an imperfect person. This was true love. And, now it's gone. Forever. And, I'm hurting, because I miss him and because I know I will never again be loved like this.
So, in closing for tonight, I have to tell you, that I could not bring myself to go out alone and listen to my cronies and their music, for I find that I just am not ready to move on with my life. I can't do it.
Hopefully, you're life is much better than mine. Know that I pray for you. Sleep well.
Until next time...