Sunday, January 31, 2010

Love? Or Lack Of?

Our Lord's day worship service seemed to be geared towards me and others like me, who are grieving. That's okay, for I need all the help I can get and I know there are others in our church family that are hurting, also. The sermon was very encouraging, but not surprising, for I already know that God's plans are not our plans, that we have hope, because of what Jesus did for us on the cross and through His resurrection. Still, I was grateful to hear it.

After returning my friend B, to her home, I made my way to the cemetary, to visit Gordon's grave. If I could ask one thing of my God, it would be to put it on my heart to not visit his grave, so often. Not because I lack in love, but rather, because it hurts me so badly to go there. Once again, I stood alone in the freezing cold wind, crying, knowing I was the sole person grieving for Gordon. It depresses me. Yet, for some reason, I feel compelled to go. Lord, please help me.

I know he's not there. I know his love for me is gone, never to ever return. I know it is fruitless to carry on like a blubbering fool, when there is no bringing him back. Would I even want him to come back? No. Not the way he was. I would never want anyone to experience what he did; nor what I experienced with him. The trouble is, that I sometimes feel so empty, inside.

It's easy to say that God loves me. I know He does. Although, due to not having a good relationship with my earthly father, I admit that I sometimes find it difficult to relate to having a heavenly Father, who loves me. Throughout most of my life, I've felt unloveable and unworthy of love; as if no one could really love me. For the most part, Jesus changed that in my life, but there are still times when I feel like God just doesn't have anything good in store for me, in my lifetime.

I'm trying to let go of all of this; truly, I am.

A few weeks ago, I had attempted twice in one day, to enjoy a rib dinner at Boston Pizza (BP), but was unable to do so. Firstly, because on my first visit, I arrived too early; when I returned about three hours later, I still wasn't able to enjoy the meal, because they had 'sold out'. The manager was kind to me and had given me a card entitling me to a complimentary personal pizza and beverage. So, today was the day. Yes, I enjoyed my free meal! Thank you, BP!

At home, I watched a movie my friend J loaned me, 'Moonstruck' (with Cher). A friend had spoken about it the other day and reminded me of the movie and when I mentioned it to J, she suggested I watch it; so, I did. I had forgotten how great a movie it truly was. And, so fitting, too; for on last Friday night, we experienced a large full moon. It was so beautiful watching it glisten on the waters of Lake St. Clair and the Detroit River. It seemed that other people enjoyed the moon, as well. Very romantic, just like the movie. As I said yesterday, love conquers all. At least for some people. It just doesn't seem to, for me.

Later I watched, 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition' on ABC; I enjoy this show, for many people in need are helped. Thank you, ABC and the other supporters; may you be blessed, always.

Then, on (US) PBS, the final two parts of Jane Austen's, 'Emma' was aired; I truly enjoyed this short series, even though it was obvious where the love connection was for each character.

There I go again, talking about love. Well, how can I not, when even the television commercials are geared up for Valentine's Day. I am trying to prepare myself that this year will be a horrible year, that I must try to find a way to deal with knowing that there is no love, for me. It matters not, that I love, anyone; for in the past, I have made some grave errors where love is concerned and consequently, love has not treated me kindly, for the most part.

No more pink rose bushes or long-stemmed pink roses, that Gordon knew I loved. No more loving cards, red and pink hearts around our home, or any other type of show of love, for me. I used to tease Gordon, that he should consider himself lucky that I cannot wear most jewelry (due to allergy), for I truly would be an avid fan, if I could. How fitting, that the last gift he gave me, was a pin for me to wear on my outfit. I will treasure it, always, for it represents the last gift of love, I will ever receive.

Hopefully, your 'love month' will be better for you. May you be blessed with love, always.


Until next time...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Love Conquers All...

This was cleaning day. Yuch! Someone has to do it! Guess it has to be me, since I'm alone, now. Why should it be any different than it was before, for I did it, before Gordon died, too. lol

In the afternoon, I spoke with an out-of-town client, who has become more of a friend than I could have ever imagined. Last year, B and her husband J, were hoping to move to Windsor, to be able to remain living in Ontario, yet be close enough to friends and a ministry in the U.S.A. that they participate in. It didn't work out, for their home didn't sell, but it seems that there is interest in their home, this year.

For people who I have not yet met, they have been such a blessing to me. Originally, they called my church (they had heard about our previous Pastor and the truth he preached) to enquire if my church could tell them of a realtor they could work with; I was recommended.

Right from the start, I felt like we had known each other for a long time. When Gordon was hospitalized and died, they were there for me. I couldn't believe it, that people that really didn't know me, could care for me. I know I'm blessed.

Why would this shock me? Well, if you knew the story of my life, you would know that there hasn't been much love for me. So, it was rather shocking to me that people that hardly know me, could reach out to me in Christian love and care for me. Thank you, Lord. I pray You'll bless them, now and always.

My friend J, dropped by with the tapes that she had recorded for me, recently. It was nice to have a visitor, for I don't really have much company. After she left, I watched a movie she had recorded on PBS, 'Cranbrook'. We both enjoy movies that could be considered 'chick flicks'. You know the kind, that always end with love that conquers all. Happiness. Love. Maybe it's because we wish we had some.

The only person I truly felt loved me is gone. I realize that earlier in my life there was one other person who probably loved me, but I hadn't realized it, until it was too late.

Even family that you think will love you, doesn't always. You know how it goes; you can pick your friends, but you can't choose your family. God certainly has blessed me with friends and with some family that does care for me. Thank You, Lord.

Early this evening, I picked up J and together we went to my friend W's home. She and her family were hosting a '30th' open-house-drop-in-style birthday party for her son N, who is the facilitator of my creative writing group at church. We stayed about an hour, until their home became very crowded.

If you read my blog entry from this past Thursday, you would know that W is a fun lady. She's the person that made me laugh until I began to cry. No, I didn't explain why. If you want to know, just check on my wall on facebook: Lynn Rutter McNally McKenzie. You'll see where I said that I hadn't cried throughout the whole support meeting; only through most of it. And had some laughs, too. Well, I think if you read the comment that my friend E made, you'll get a good glimpse into what happened when W lost her balance and thought she was grabbing onto the armrest behind her at the theatre. It turned out it wasn't; it was a man. Here I go again, laughing! lol lol lol

Anyway, I returned home in time to watch the Hallmark movie, 'The Magic Of Ordinary Days'. It was a good movie that of course, made me cry. After all, how can you not cry when love conquers all. I guess it is because I just wish I had some love, too.

Let's face it, life is hard. The 'Love Month' (February) is coming; it won't be easy for me, for I feel teary, already. God never promised us a rose garden. I'm grateful He loves me, for without Jesus, I couldn't make it through each day. Thank You, Father.

Yes, love conquers all.


Until next time...

Friday, January 29, 2010

Surprise!

Morning came early. These short night sleeps are getting to me. I'm tired!

On my travels, I managed to find time to see my daughter P, for a while and do some shopping, together. I enjoy being with her; we always seem to have a good time. It sure makes shopping easier to take, at least for me, because I really don't like shopping, as I've said in the past.

My realtor friend/co-worker C, had invited me to have lunch with him and our realtor friend M, at Red Lobster. Mmmmm... It was tempting, but I had to refuse, explaining that I would take a rain check, because I already had a luncheon appointment with my long-time friend, A.

A & I had met for lunch in early December, between the dates of my birthday and hers, to celebrate our birthdays. East Side Mario's (ESM) is the restaurant she usually prefers; this was where we met in December.

Today, we met there, again. This time was different, though. This time, we had coupons for a free lunch, because when you purchase lunch to celebrate your birthday, you leave with a coupon to use on a subsequent visit; today, was the day!

We had a good time, together and enjoyed our delicious meal. After paying a very small bill for an extra item, our server returned to our table with a receipt, entitling us to a free dessert on our next visit. My goodness! Were we surprised!

A suggested I hold onto the receipt, for she was sure she would lose it; so, I did. Along with the receipt, our server also brought A's ESM card back to her, stamped and gave me a 'new' ESM card, stamped. The reason I got a new card, is because my 'old' card is full; this entitles me to a free lunch, when I wish to use the card.

My goodness! Can you see me smiling?! Yes, we are both happy campers, who enjoy sharing time together over a delicious meal and yes, ESM is a great place for lunch. Hopefully, you'll go and find out for yourself.

When speaking with my friend M, who is recovering from breast cancer surgeries, she suggested that I ask for her brother-in-law and let him know that I am her friend, for her brother-in-law and his family own and operate ESM, here in Windsor. I agreed to do this next time, to thank him for his generosity, good food and good service. I have to admit, even with paying for our meals, it is a good place to patronize.

At the moment, I'm writing while I am watching/listening for the first time, to 'Shark Tank' on an ABC station from Detroit; it's a tv show that is exactly like 'Dragon's Den' on CBC. In fact two of the business people are on both shows.

So, I'm going to cut this short and wish you a very pleasant evening. Relax and enjoy it!


Until next time...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Tears and Chuckles!

This morning was filled with telephone calls. In fact, I really had to rush in order to pick up my realtor/friend M, in time for us to arrive at the Caboto Club on Tecumseh Rd. at Parent Ave., for noon. She wasn't too happy, because she had hoped we'd arrive early, but it couldn't be helped. Truthfully, with all my rushing, I was happy to arrive five minutes early, the way we did!

Around this time every year, our real estate board brings in a motivational speaker whose job it is to encourage us and motivate us, during a luncheon meeting. I'd seen this person in the past; he is a good speaker. Our friends that we usually sit with at meetings like this, saved seats for us; thank you! It's always nice to be able to have a visit with cronies that we don't often get to see. All in all, I thought it was worth attending.

Hopefully, the Downtown Mission was blessed by all the donations we realtors brought with us, for we take every opportunity to help our community.

Back at home in the late afteroon, I decided to watch Rick Steves' Europe. If you haven't been able to watch this programme, look for it on PBS. Or, look at your local library for his VCR or DVD recordings.

Today's programme was on Edinburgh. Actually, I had seen it previously. Gordon and I had visited Glasgow and had hoped to visit Edinburgh one day, but it never happened. When this programme aired the last time I saw it, I cried throughout the programme, knowing that Gordon and I would never visit Edinburgh, now that he's dead. Today, I didn't cry, but still felt sad.

On my way to my grief counselling support group, I stopped at my Chiropractor's office to pick up the Traumeel tablets that finally arrived, late this afternoon. Praise God! Not just because I needed more, but also because Gordon's friend B, who lives near London, may be visiting a friend in Windsor this weekend and I had promised to give him some of these wonderful natural anti-inflammatory/analgesic tablets to help him with his pain. Now, I'm ready for when he calls.

Our support meeting was a good one, tonight. Well, at least it was for me, since I didn't cry throughout the whole meeting, like I did last week. Tonight, I only cried through most of the meeting.

I cannot help it. It's not just my own grief. I also feel badly hearing from other people about their grief. Our facilitator is wonderful, too. She is a very caring pastor, who truly cares about others. You can feel it.

Hopefully, I'll reach the point where I don't cry at all. She says that it's because being a widow is so new and fresh to me. I feel like it's because of this, plus the fact that my 'cup' has been full for a long time and is now spilling over, with Gordon's death just being the icing on the cake. I've had a lifetime of pain, suffering and sorrow; I just cannot deal with any more. God promised me that He would never give me more than I can handle, but every time I tell Him I cannot handle any more, I receive more to deal with. I'm overwhelmed with grief, pain, sorrow and suffering.

I know God has a plan for my life; I trust Him, that He is in control. I know He's stretching me and molding me into the person He wants me to be. He's the potter and I'm the clay. It's just that when you go through the refiner's fire, it isn't pleasant for we humans. I'm just grateful that He's with me and promised that when I go through the fire, I will not be burned. Even if I feel like I am.

Afterwards, five of us went to the nearby Tim Horton's at N. Service Rd. & Central Ave., for refreshments and fellowship. It felt so good to be able to laugh. I cannot remember when I last laughed that hard! I thought I was going to cry, because I was laughing so hard! Especially hearing about my friend W's experience at a theatre, involving a man sitting behind her. I'm sorry! I cannot tell you what she did, but I can tell you that it must have taken a lot of gumption to even tell us about what happened! Can you hear me laughing, just writing about this, on a non-informative level? LOL LOL LOL ;-))

I'll try to not laugh too hard; it might disturb me getting to sleep! I should sign off and bid you a good night (chuckle chuckle). Sleep well.


Until next time...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Cold Inside and Out...

Several people commented to me today, that it was really cold outside. Brrr. I'm sure glad I didn't have to go out!

Working mainly at home has it's advantages. Not going out in the cold is one of them. How do I do this? Well, it's not as difficult as you may think. With the equipment of today, the business of real estate is very different from when I began, twenty-two years ago.

When I first began, I had to go out to the office, daily. In order to put info in the hands of customers/clients, I had to physically drive to deliver info, even if they felt they were 'just looking'. It was a time-consuming part of my job, that was quite often, non-productive.

With the equipment of today, the only time I really have to leave home is for meeting with clients or showing property. Of course, in this depressed Windsor marketplace, it would be nice to do both more often, but at least I don't have to drive to the office and manually do research that takes a v-e-r-y long time to compile, in order to provide my contacts and clients with the info they require. I am looking forward to our spring market, that should 'spring into action', shortly.

At home, I am equipped just like at my office, with two fax machines (one being multi-functional printer, copier, scanner, etc.), another printer, my computer and of course, internet!

The internet has truly changed my work life from what it was many moons ago. Now, Windsor-Essex County Real Estate Board (WECREB) operates our board computer system as an intranet system. This means that I can access any/all info through WECREB from any computer that has internet access available.

By logging onto the system, I can access MLS info, registry info and all the paperwork necessary to do my job, including creating flyers, etc. E-mail has made it simple to send/receive info to customers/clients regarding properties.

All this technology has saved me time, energy, gasoline, wear-and-tear on my vehicle and has generally made my business easier. Like I said, I was glad I didn't have to go out in the cold, today!

Today, I was able to speak with my friend M, who had surgery, yesterday. I'm hoping that tomorrow, I'll be able to see her; if not, hopefully Friday. I was glad to hear she was doing well, even though she had pain, today. She planned to mostly rest, today; I was glad to hear it, because in my opinion, she needs to rest in order to heal and recover, quickly.

M is blessed to have her husband able to be home with her as well as her sister visit with her, for she is a retired nurse. Since these last two surgeries were essentially done as an out-patient, I am glad she has L with her, just in case a problem arises. Most of us would not have access to someone who has experience with issues that could arise. Thank you to those who have been praying for M; may God bless you richly, as you continue to pray.

In addition to grieving, I find myself feeling very lonely. I'm blessed to have caring people in my life, who love me and who want to help me through my grief, by keeping me busy. However, keeping busy doesn't take away the emptiness I feel in my heart and body. I still feel like I've been torn apart, physically. And, sometimes I feel the loneliness will kill me. Oh well, if it does, at least I know where I'm going. For a believer in Jesus, to be absent from the body, is to be with the Lord; so, I know I'll be in heaven with my Lord, when I die.

I came across a handout that I received last week at my grief support group. It talks about how shock is a normal feeling, as is denial, feeling like you're going crazy, feeling like your mind is in a fog, sadness, depression, feeling inconsolable. It tells us that even Job struggled with this; read it for yourself in the book of Job, in the Old Testament.

In closing, the sheet explains that even Christians grieve; that, "we too, will deny, hurt, weep, rage and even bargain with God. The difference is that we have HOPE." It reminds me to take it to the Lord and trust in Him, for as God's word tells us, all things are possible, including our healing.

Last evening, during dinner with K & C, C asked me if this grief counselling was helping me or if it was too soon for me to attend a programme like this one. My reply was that I really didn't yet know; only time will tell.

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm suffering with being lonely, feeling like my life is over. Feeling cold inside, no longer having someone to love and be loved by. I know God has a plan for my life; I just don't know at the moment, what it is. I'm praying He will reveal it to me, soon!


Until next time...

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Time to Celebrate!

Today was a fairly relaxed day, because I didn't have to be coming and going as much as yesterday. Working at home and e-mailing took up much of my day. That's easy to take!

Of course, I found time to update my games, etc. on facebook. It's truly been a blessing to me. Thank you P, for convincing me to finally sign up for fb!

Well, I suppose no news is good news. My friend M, had her surgery today, to have more lymph nodes removed. As you may recall, a couple of weeks ago or so, she had mastectomy due to breast cancer. Yesterday, when we spoke, she told me that her husband would probably e-mail rather than call everyone, but I just arrived home and checked my e-mail. As I said, I'm sure that no news is good news, at this point, for if anything had gone wrong, I'm sure I would have heard about it, by now. So, Lord...I thank You for watching over my friend and pray once again that it is Your will to heal her, completely. I thank You for this and so much more. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Needing to do a couple of errands late this afternoon, I loaded up my van with salad and the birthday cake I made yesterday, for daughter-in-law C. If you'd read yesterday's entry, you'd know that I couldn't tell you I baked a BIRTHDAY cake, for I didn't want her to know about it. Yes, today is her birthday; no, I won't tell you how old she is!

I had preplanned to bring pizza for dinner tonight, so I picked it up and made my way to K & C's home. We feasted on pizza, salad and birthday cake and enjoyed our fellowship time, together. At first, I did not tell them which restaurant I bought the pizza from. It was quite the conversation around the dinner table, with everyone trying to guess where it was made. No, I wasn't cruel; before I left for home, I told them the location of the pizza maker. Since everyone agreed it was some of the best pizza they had ever eaten, I think they've just found a new restaurant to patronize!

It made sense to bring dinner in to their home, rather than have everyone come to mine, because where I usually get pizza from is within five minutes of their home and at least twenty to thirty minutes from mine, depending on the traffic.

It was so nice to enjoy C's birthday meal, together; both grandsons were home, so it was truly special! After dinner, I was invited to stay and watch, 'The Biggest Loser'. Since I cannot receive the station at home, I was very happy to stay and watch the programme with them. The hook for next week was so interesting, that they invited me to dinner next Tuesday, so we can visit and watch to see what happens.

Thank you, so very much, for opening your hearts and your home to me. Even though I think of K as my son and his family as my family, I know that it would have been so easy for them to have kept these relationships severed, knowing there is no blood connection. Gordon would be happy to know that God has restored these relationships, that were broken so long ago. Thank you, Father!

Oh yes! It's time to celebrate for another reason! Today is also someone else's birthday! My cousin A, in N. Ireland and her husband R, just became parents today, to their second daughter! The birth had been scheduled for today, so we knew the child would be born, today. We just didn't know what sex and the other details of birth.

Although I do not yet know her name, our latest addition to our family weighed in at 8 lbs. 1 oz. From what I heard, Mommy, Daddy and big sister H are very happy. Congratulations! Congratulations also to Grandma H, Uncle G and Aunt L and all the rest of my Irish family!

I'm positive that Grandpa R and Gordon are rejoicing in heaven, too.


Until next time...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sticking With...

Last evening, I made arrangements for a heating company to come to my home, because my daughter P's boyfriend K, couldn't get the furnace pilot light lit, yesterday.

It bothered me all evening; I couldn't stop thinking about this, so I called P and we agreed to meet again, to try once more. So, this morning we met, along with P's friend T and her infant son. It took us only a couple of minutes to get the pilot light lit. We're not sure why K couldn't do it yesterday, but think it may be that he didn't know to press down on the button, while igniting.

Anyway, I was thrilled that it truly was just that the wind had blown out the pilot light, as it has done on rare occasion, in the past. Of course, I was more than happy to be able to call the heating company and cancel the pending service call. Praise God! Thank you, Jesus! Thanks to you, P and T, too!

Does this mean we can create a woman's joke about how to light a furnace? lol

Today, in addition to my regular work, I found time to do some baking. Unfortunately, I won't be able to tell you what I baked, until tomorrow! Otherwise, the person would know what I baked and why. I can tell you that I think it will taste good! ;-))

As you know, I needed to finish my bookkeeping, that I worked on, Saturday. Well, I can proudly tell you that I am finished! At least for the last quarter of 2009. And, I was able to make my remittance to CRA for my GST. Now, I can relax and not have to worry about this again, until April!

My friend M and I spoke by phone, today. It was a busy day for both of us, so we weren't able to get to meet in person. Still, we prayed for her and for her upcoming surgery, tomorrow. And, I told her once again that I love her. Please remember to pray for healing for M; thank you.

It's important to tell people you love that you love them, because we are never guaranteed tomorrow. In fact, unless God ordains it, we cannot even take our next breath.

I am so grateful that M is a believer, for there is nothing more important than having salvation. Let's face it, eternity is forever; forever is a l-o-n-g time. Better to go to heaven when our life is finished here on earth, than to go to spend forever, in hell with no chance of escape. And, how is this possible? Both M and I know that God tells us in the Bible, that it is by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ, alone that we are saved; it is a gift from God and not of works, lest any man should boast. If you haven't been trusting in Jesus, I pray you will. Today, is the day; don't wait, for you're not guaranteed tomorrow.

This afternoon, I went out once more to my Chiropractor's office, for my regular treatment. Since he'll be off for the month of February, I wanted to make sure I saw him before his time off and have scheduled an appointment for when he returns. After my treatment I am supposed to rest. I did chill out for a short time at home, watching television around suppertime and found myself dozing. Oh dear! I hope this won't interfere with my sleep, tonight.

Then, for 6:00 pm, I was at my church for my creative writing group that meets every two weeks. It's not really a 'serious' group, for we have light-hearted, good and clean fun, when we meet. One of our members is writing a book that she is hoping will be ready for publishing, soon. We spent the whole class discussing her writing and how she could make some improvements. We are fortunate and blessed to have N heading the group. He currently works as an editor and is able to guide us with his professional knowledge. Thank you, N!

One day, I'll get back to writing the book I began writing, prior to Gordon's death. Since then, I just haven't really felt like writing. lol This must sound funny, because here I am daily writing in my blog!

So, in closing, I just want to say that I love each of you, who care enough about me, to be interested and read about the in's and out's of my sometimes boring and sometimes interesting life. Thank you, for sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you know.


Until next time...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Praise and Honour...

As per my usual Sunday morning, I got up, did what I needed to do to prepare to go to worship and left home. My arms were not empty, for I had many things to take with me. Some of what I brought to church was for some friends I knew I would meet there. Some was for others.

It's always such a pleasure and honour to worship God on my Lord's day. Even more so, since I've been missing Thursday night's prayer and Bible study to attend grief counselling.

Today's music was such a joy! We sang hymns and choruses: Praise Him! Praise Him!; Let There Be Glory and Honour and Praises; I Love You, Lord; My Jesus I Love Thee; He is Lord; and Thou Art Worthy. It touches my heart to be able to worship my God in song.

After our worship service, I met my daughter P and her boyfriend K, along with two of my grandsons, at my home near my church. K was kind enough to help me by lighting the furnace pilot, as it had blown out. Or, so I thought. Unfortunately, it could not be re-lit. Thank you K, for trying your best! I appreciate your effort.

This evening, I spoke with my friend J, who works for a company that supplies furnaces, etc.; she supplied me with names and numbers of several heating people that she considers reputable. Thank you, J!

I was able to reach one such person, who told me he will contact me in the morning to see if he can fit the call into his schedule. Hopefully, he will be able to do whatever is necessary, before the colder weather returns. I'm thankful that the weather was quite warm, today. Thank you, Lord!

Hopefully, it will be a minor repair and not something major, like a new furnace being required. Gordon used to clean and maintain the furnace, but this year the maintenance and cleaning did not get done, because he died; actually, with all my upset, I never even thought about it much, until recently.

While I experience times when I feel very 'down', I also have good days. I wouldn't say today was an exceptionally good day, for it truly wasn't, but I love the Lord's day, for I try to focus on Him and not on myself. I know He's always with me; He promised he'd never leave me, nor forsake me. In many ways, He shows me He loves me.

Today was one of those days. Certainly, not at the house, but later. After doing some errands, etc., I was making my way to the cemetary. It had been raining on and off, but began to pour. I prayed about it, asking God to (if it was His will) make the rain let up when I reached the cemetary, so I would not get soaking wet. He did this for me. The rain let up while I was at Gordon's grave. As soon as I got seated once again in my van, it poured heavily, again.

Making another two stops on my way home, the same thing happened. Each time, the rain would stop, just as I was exiting my vehicle and would start up again, after returning to my vehicle. Isn't that just like Him! He always has the best in mind for me and provides for me, always. Thank You, Lord!

I know God loves me. The Bible tells me so. Normally, I know this to be absolutely true, but since I've been grieving, I feel so alone, sometimes. Like He's not there with me. Realistically, I know He is with me, but my heart has been so broken that there are times when I wonder where He is, for I feel so very alone and broken.

There are times when I cry out and ask Him why he responds positively to so many of my prayers, but yet, He didn't heal Gordon when I prayed to Him, to do so. I know that He alone, knows the plans He has for us, for me, to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. I just wish I knew what His plan is for my life, for at this present time, I cannot see a future for me, at all.

I do my best to keep busy, honour Him, pray, preach a gospel message to all the creatures of the earth, as He requires of us, but I feel so empty and alone, instead of feeling blessed by His presence. Please help me, Lord.

My friend A, who previously was my prayer partner, called me. We had a long chat. It's always a blessing to have contact with her. She understands me and what I'm going through. While she has not been widowed, she did have her first husband walk out and leave her, a few years ago. I recall spending endless hours with her, lifting her up, praying for and with her, at all times of the day and night. She tells me, just as my grief counsellor does, that what I'm experiencing is very real and absolutely normal and that I should not expect to feel any differently, for a while.

Funny, but I don't feel normal. I guess that's just the way it is.


Until next time...

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Feeling?

Yesterday, I said that I would do my bookkeeping, today. Well, I did work on it, today; I'm not quite finished everything I need to do, but I'm well on my way to having it done. Since I don't really like working on my Lord's day, unless I have to, I will finish up on Monday. Really, I will... ;-))

Even though my bookkeeping took up most of my time, I was able to update my facebook games. The farming games seem to take up quite a bit of time, so I'm thinking of not working on them, anymore. In fact, after harvesting, I never replanted, today.

Facebook has been a real blessing to me, as I've mentioned, previously. Firstly, because it helped me re-establish some friendships from my past, keep in touch with friends and also, because I've found great support throughout my grieving process.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but by now, I would have thought that I would be feeling better, less grievous over my husband's death. Every day, I keep hoping I will feel better, but it seems I just feel worse and worse, instead of better and better. Maybe there's more to grieve than just my loss of Gordon; I really don't know. I just know that I wish I felt better.

As I was getting prepared to go out, I took a few moments to call my friend M, who (as you know) is recovering from breast cancer surgery. I've either been visiting or calling her, daily; I want to be a great support to her, for I know that there is nothing more important to a someone battling cancer than support and laughter. Usually, we talk, laugh and generally just hang out, together.

Today, M asked me how I was; I replied as I usually do, that I am doing okay. She asked again, how I'm REALLY doing...with my grieving. We don't usually discuss it and it really kind of threw me for a loop. Just as on Thursday night at grief counselling, I just burst into tears. It seems that every time I think about how I feel, I fall apart. Instead of talking on the phone, I let her know that I couldn't talk about it at the moment and said we'd have to talk another time. Then, we agreed to talk, later and we hung up.

Taking a deep breath and getting myself in order, I got my coat and left to go see my realtor-friend M. M is currently staying at her brother's home, house-and-dog-sitting. She had invited me to come visit and have dinner with her, this evening. Before I arrived, M had made a fabulous dessert: German Chocolate cake! Together, we made homemade pizza and enjoyed our time, together. Thank you M, for a great meal, great company and of course, your friendship. I'm blessed!

After our delicious meal, M and I played the card game: Phase 10. Before Gordon died, we had M and our mutual friend C over for a meal and we had played Phase 10. M enjoyed the game so much that she bought the card game, so she could play it with family and friends. M reminded me of how much fun we had when the four of us played the game. She commented that I must really miss Gordon; I replied that I do. I changed the subject, because I didn't want to fall apart in front of her and begin bawling like a blubbering fool. I hate doing that.

Keeping busy has been the foremost thing on my agenda, daily. I've tried to do everything others have suggested. So, why don't I feel better?

I've prayed until I feel like I just cannot pray any more, because I've prayed ceaselessly, the way the Bible tells me to. I know God loves me; I love Him, too. There's nothing more I can do, but try to do my best; I'll just have to continue to trust Him. Trust in Jesus.

Tomorrow is another day; it's my Lord's day. Hopefully, I'll get some rest tonight. Sleep well, friends.


Until next time...

Friday, January 22, 2010

Fortunate...

It sure was hard getting up this morning; I was so-o tired. This not sleeping well at night is getting to me; I'm beginning to feel very worn out.

Last night, my grief counsellor told our group that it is normal to either spend too much time in bed, or not be able to sleep at night. Part of me would like to be able to just pull the covers over my head and close out the world, but I cannot do that, physically. Between complications from previous body injuries and being rheumatoid arthritic, my body will not allow me to do anything for prolonged periods of time, whether it be sleeping, walking, sitting, etc.

After between six and seven hours of sleep, my body hurts so much that I have to get up. It's not as bad as it used to be, because my Chiropractor has helped me, immensely, but there are times when I still wake up feeling like I've been beaten to a pulp. I do need to sit up for a short time, with my neck supported, just to ease my body. After sitting for a while, a shower usually helps to relax my aching body and gives me a chance to relax, as well. So, all in all, it's not a bad way to get going each day, under the circumstances.

The only problem is that my grief counsellor says that if we are not grieving the way our bodies want us to, we may be avoiding dealing with our grief and may not progress well through the various stages of grief.

Well, so be it. I cannot change the situation with pain in my body, so I'll just have to continue forcing myself to get up and get going. Besides, I know that if I don't force myself to get moving and keep moving, over the long term, I could end up wheelchair bound. No, I'll just have to work it out. I'm hoping maybe I'll be able to work through my grief this way, even if it takes longer, but she says we need to just let our body dictate our need. I feel like I'm in a catch-22 situation, with my body and grief at odds with each other. Oh well, I'll just continue trusting God for my life and let Him work it out.

Hopefully, I will sleep well tonight, because I'm so exhausted. Wish me luck!

During my travels today, I was able to fit in time to spend with my daughter, P. We did some errands she needed to do and we did some grocery shopping, together. Nothing exciting, but it sure is nice to spend time with her. I'm blessed!

When I arrived home late this afternoon, I watched a dvd P had loaned me; it's called, 'Tourette is Powerful!'. She had obtained the dvd, because her middle son Z, was being taunted and teased regarding his uncontrollable condition. Z's classmates viewed the short dvd and since then, it's been easier for Z. Praise God; thank you, Jesus!

When Z was younger, it was thought that he was autistic, but it was determined that Z is extremely hyper-active, with evidence of Wollf Parkinson White syndrome. Z suffers with, 'Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder' symptoms and has recently been diagnosed with, 'Tourette Syndrome'.

I have to commend my daughter P, for she truly has her hands full, with all three sons being hyper-active, Z with all his trials and her youngest son S not being able to be on any mediation due to having a heart problem. She is a good mom, with much patience. It cannot be easy for her, especially with their dad not being around. I know the stress affects her own health condition, Lupus. If you can find it in your heart to pray for her, please do. May God bless you, for this.

It didn't take me too long to decide trouble whether I should do laundry or do my bookkeeping. Both are important, but I reasoned that I can do my bookkeeping tomorrow, if I had to, because I wouldn't be able to do the actual remittance today, anyway, because of it being so late in the day. So, laundry won! At least it's done and I don't have to worry about it for a while; it was either do it today, or Sunday and I hate working on the Lord's day, so today was the day. Tomorrow, I will do my bookkeeping. Really, I will. :-)

Today was another day when I didn't make a proper meal for supper. I really should take care to do this, but the thought of cooking only for myself is depressing, so I haven't been doing this, lately.

I won't have to worry about cooking for myself until at least Sunday, because my friend/fellow realtor M, invited me for dinner tomorrow. She is single and is 'house sitting' at her brother's home while he is away on vacation. So, tomorrow we'll spend some fellowship time together and we'll make some homemade pizza; sounds good to me!

Fund raisers for Haiti were aired on almost every television station, this evening. We should consider ourselves very fortunate and blessed to not be living in conditions as they are, in Haiti. It's heartbreaking what has happened to these poor people, who were living in poverty and bleak living conditions, even before the destruction occurred. Hopefully, you are helping as you can and are praying for these people; if so, may God bless you, richly.

Well, I'm going to head to bed. Sleep well! I intend to, too.


Until next time...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Normal?

During my travels today, I realized there was a couple items on sale that I had forgotten to get, so I went shopping and was able to get both items! I know; it sounds like I enjoy shopping. I really don't; I think of shopping as a necessary evil. ;-))

One thing I was truly happy about, was the fact that I only used my cane for going out and coming into my home. I need to make sure I have it with me, in case I need it; today, I didn't need it! This does not mean my knee is healed; nor does it mean I don't have pain. As you are aware, unless God gives me a miracle healing or I have a knee-replacement done, I will not be fully healed; however, my pain is minimized and under control at the moment. Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!

Prior to going out, I contacted my co-worker/friend C and his daughter J, to encourage and pray for J, who is having C4 & C5 spinal surgery, tomorrow; if you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for her. J is separated and has two young sons to care for. She needs healing; Lord, please heal her.

In addition, I made sure I gathered all the info I required to complete the forms for my real estate licence renewal, entered all the info and brought it with me to my office, so my broker could sign the form. Before I go to bed, I will make sure I fax the form and my payment info to the Real Estate Council of Ontario (RECO).

To those not involved in the real estate industry, it may seem like an easy task, but fellow realtors know the truth. It's not as easy as just completing a form. You see, RECO requires realtors to participate in ongoing education. Our licence must be renewed every two years. In order to renew our licence, we must complete a minimum of 24-credit hours of education, including one mandatory course. This is done on our own time, at our own expense. We need to track our progress, so we can report who provided the course, when and how many credit hours were obtained, on the form I completed, today.

Actually, I reported that I completed 32-credit hours of education in this last two year period; in reality, I completed more than this, but I can only report 32-credit hours and carry forward a maximum of 8-credit hours into my next reporting period. Boy, am I glad it's done! Now, I just need to make sure that my renewal doesn't get lost in the shuffle, for unless my renewal is completed by Feb. 11th, I cannot trade in real estate after that date.

Believe it or not, upon my renewal, I will have completed twenty-two (22) years of selling real estate and will be entering my twenty-third (23rd) year. Is this something to be congratulated on, or is this madness? I'll let you be the judge, because I'm not sure, myself!

In my travels, I also visited with my friend M, who is awaiting further breast cancer surgery on Tuesday morning. While M is currently on leave from her position with the Red Cross, she previously sold real estate; this is how I met her. She's a lovely, Christian woman who feels more like a sister to me, than a friend. I'm blessed.

On my way home, I did another couple of errands and arrived home in time to unload my van and prepare to leave for my grief counselling programme. No proper supper for me, for there wasn't time, so I made myself a peanut butter sandwich that I ate on my way. Mmmmm...delicious!

I thought I might have brought a neighbour with me tonight, to the meeting, but it didn't work out. The woman in mind lost her husband the same day I lost Gordon; October 10/09. She is somewhat older than me, but confided that she does a lot of crying, daily. Possibly, she feels she will manage on her own, or maybe she doesn't feel ready. Whatever the case, I know that God will provide healing for her, in His time. The same for me.

To be honest, I don't know why, but I quietly cried throughout almost the whole meeting, tonight. It's not like me to do this, but I did. Lord, I need You to heal me, quickly, for I feel awful, still. I hope this programme is going to help me.

One thing I could use is more sleep. Yes, I'm back to the problem of not being able to sleep at night. No, I'm not napping throughout the day; in fact, only once or twice have I done that ever, since Gordon died. I try to get to bed at a reasonable hour (at least for me!), but I just cannot seem to relax enough to drift off into 'never-never-land'.

It's pretty bad when you decide to not look at the clock anymore, because it's 4:30 or 5:00 or 6:00 am and you haven't even had forty winks! Believe me, morning comes early. It's not like I'm not wearing myself out, for you can read how busy my daily schedule is. Still, I was reassured tonight that this is all part and parcel of normal grief. Okay, Lord. It seems I'm normal! Finally! For once! For, I've never really felt normal (lol)! So, help me sleep, tonight, please!

Hope you enjoy your forty winks.


Until next time...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Food, Family & Friends!

Today was one of those days when you wonder if you can fit anything else in the day! Mind you, I found time to update on facebook (lol).

Seriously, after doing what I needed to do, I headed over to my church. It takes a minimum of twenty minutes and sometimes more, to drive there, because Campbell Baptist Church is across town, on the west side of Windsor, close to the University of Windsor. Our 'Over 50's' group was meeting for lunch and a time of fellowship; we do this once every month, on the third Wednesday of the month.

My friend B, arrived late, but I was glad she made it, especially when I found out her car was running properly, again! We sat with some friends as well as two ladies we did not know. We shared a delicious meal and had a wonderful time, together.

Because my daughter P had asked me last night if I would go to a medical appointment with her, concerning my grandson Z, I had to leave early. After the appointment, I returned in time to help with the clean up. Next month's gathering will be a hoot; I'll keep you posted!

What happened at Z's medical appointment? Well, it looks like he needs an oral medical treatment that will be fairly expensive. To not proceed would mean major surgery by the time he's an adult, so it makes sense to try and avoid such surgery. The only thing is, Z has some medical conditions that are of great concern. Hopefully, he'll be okay with this ongoing procedure. I'll be praying about it, for sure. Actually, I was impressed with the physician; personally, I think that's half the battle.

Later, I met my friend B, at her home; yes, I had seen her earlier, at church. However, I wasn't able to help her with paperwork she needed help with, because there hadn't been time. After completing the task and as I was about to leave, I asked B if she would like to go with me to a meeting I was going to attend. I'm a member of Injured Workers' Coalition, because of the collision I had been involved in, in 1980.

The group isn't large and is made up of mainly injured workers, present or past, along with people who believe in the cause; we also meet on the third Wednesday of each month, but in the late afternoon. To be honest, I don't attend every monthly meeting, because I find it very upsetting, at times. There are times when I just cannot handle being reminded of the trauma, pain, suffering and ill-treatment I received by WSIB. Oh well, today is not the day to tell you about that trial in my life, but one day, I will tell you. Today, I was glad I attended and I was happy B came with me. I do feel that it takes the effort of groups like this to make a difference in the lives of injured workers.

After having my main meal at lunchtime, I opted for just a sandwich and salad for supper. Mmmmm....delicious!

Rarely, do I eat meals at the table, since Gordon died. It reminds me of my loss and feels very lonely, looking over at an empty chair, where he used to sit. So, I find myself eating more often in front of the television. Bad habit! But, until I can deal with my loss better, it will have to do. That's just the way it is.

To date, I still haven't tackled Gordon's closet, his dresser, his clothes, personal items or even finished with all the paperwork involved in his life being over. I just cannot bring myself to do it.

Recently, a friend commented that I am still wearing my wedding rings. I replied that yes, I am still wearing them. In addition, I am wearing Gordon's ring (even though it's a little large) on my other hand. It makes me feel close to him. I miss him so much, I can't even describe how I feel. Words just cannot express my feelings. I keep hoping that if I'm busy, it will help, but really, it doesn't.

Tonight, I spent a fair amount of time on the phone. Between calls, both received and made, I was able to catch at least part of 'Republic of Doyle'. It's a new tv show this season and believe it or not, it's a Canadian show, aired on CBC. Amazing! Seriously, I've liked it, so far. Hopefully, it will continue to be a good programme to watch. Since most of the good programming seems to be on US television, it shocks me that I actually like this Canadian programme. But, hey! What can I say, eh?!

Since it's getting to be about time for bed, I'll say, "ta ta for now".


Until next time...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Trust...

Today, I had a breakthrough! Praise God! Thank you, Jesus! I was able to go out with only using the one cane! Improvement!

During my travels, I stopped at the grocery store, because I realized that I needed some items for the pasta salad I needed to make. Tomorrow, our church 'Over 50's' group is meeting; we meet once a month, on the third Wednesday of the month. I had been asked to bring a salad, so I decided to bring a pasta salad. No, I won't be providing music tomorrow, but I will be participating next month.

Okay, okay. I'll do it. I'll tell you what I use to make my pasta salad. Most people like it. If you try it, you may like it, too!

Lynnie's Pasta Salad

* Use the pasta of your choice; I prefer the multi-coloured Fusilli
(prepared as per directions on the package)
* Green pepper (diced small)
* Red pepper (diced small)
* Red onion (diced small)
* Mozzarella cheese (diced small)
* Black olives (sliced)
* Use salad dressing of your choice; I prefer Greek/Feta cheese

Prepare the pasta, drain and allow to cool, fully. Chop green pepper, red pepper and red onion. Dice Mozzarella cheese. To cooled pasta, add the peppers, Mozzarella cheese and black olives, mixing well. Dress the mixture with the salad dressing, allowing the pasta salad to cool in the refrigerator at least one hour, prior to serving. ENJOY!


After preparing the salad late this afternoon, I decided to go visit my friend M. You will recall that yesterday, she was notified that she will require further surgery to remove more lymph nodes, as cancer was found in the one lymph node that was removed during her mastectomy a couple of weeks ago.

M is scheduled for her lymph node removal surgery this coming Tuesday morning. Praise God that she was scheduled quickly, this time.

Actually, it angers me and hurts me that M is another example of our broken healthcare system, here in Ontario, that needs repair. You see, she had the testing done in September; apparently, for reasons unknown, she didn't even get the results of her testing, until just before Christmas. So, she wasn't scheduled surgery until January.

What took so long? Knowing she had cancer, why hadn't her surgery occurred within a short time of the September test results showing that she had breast cancer? Apparently, at the end of September, her lump was small enough that only a lumpectomy procedure would have been required, but since it was left so long, the lump grew, cancer cells expanded and surrounded the lump, requiring a radical mastectomy and now, even further surgery, followed by chemotherapy.

And, we're supposed to trust our healthcare system and professionals? Lord, help us! Help M!

Isn't it bad enough finding out that you have a lump and need surgery, without having the system fail you, with devastating results?! May God have mercy on us all! Especially those healthcare professionals, who allowed M to fall through the cracks.

Thank you, Father, that you are here for us. You promised us, in Matthew 28:20, "...and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen." Psalm 118:8 tells us, "It is better to trust in the Lord, than to put confidence in man." That says it all, doesn't it?!

If we never do anything else with our lives, we need to trust in Jesus. My friend M, is. I am. Hopefully, you are, too.


Until next time...

Monday, January 18, 2010

In Good Hands...

A few minutes ago, I hung up from talking with my friend and ex-prayer partner, A. We prayed for such a long time, together; for me and for others. It felt good. She is such a blessing to me.

Through the trials of this past year, God has truly revealed to me who is for me and who is not. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that certain people in my life would become a support to me and others, not. But, it has happened. More than ever before, God has revealed to me those who have chosen to love me and those who have not.

Today, I am not the person who needs to be lifted up and encouraged, even though during an earlier conversation with my friend B (who is also a true blessing to me), she commented that I sounded 'down'. Yes, at the time, I did feel rather low, but it was not due to my feelings about my own life and the trial I find myself in. But rather, it was due to feeling at a loss of knowing what to do for my friend M.

You've heard me write of her often, especially since she had a breast removed about two weeks ago, due to cancer. Today, she went to find out the results of the patholgy testing. Unfortunately, my friend M requires more surgery to have lymph nodes removed and will require chemotherapy, at the very least. Please pray for M.

Yes, it is shocking to me. She left a message on my answering machine about it, while I was out. When I called her back, she was in the shower. It doesn't surprise me that she hasn't called me back, yet. If I were in her shoes at this moment in time, I don't think I would feel much like talking to anyone, either.

I'm actually glad I didn't get to speak with her this evening, because right now, I feel at a loss of words and am praying God will help me know the right thing to say when I speak with M, tomorrow. Or, if it is the right thing to do Lord, just let me be a loving support to her without words; please guide me. Let's face it. Is there anyone who would feel happy about receiving bad news like this?

It's heartbreaking to me that I've been praying for M for healing, but God has chosen to say, 'not yet'. It's been a real trial for me over this last year, knowing I prayed for Gordon and others who I loved and cared for who needed healing, but God's response was that it wasn't His plan for their lives.

Tonight, when I received the crushing news, I felt like my heart was breaking for M, not for myself.

There are times when I feel like God has nothing more than pain, suffering and sorrow for me, in my life. Actually, this may be true. Does this mean that He isn't with me? Not at all. Right now, I wouldn't be surprised if M feels this way. Even some of you may feel like this, over whatever the trial is in your life that you are experiencing that has devastated your life.

For a while this evening, I found myself with a heavy heart, wondering where God is, in all of this. Lately, I've been feeling like this and asking Him about it, too. I've come to the conclusion that God is where He's been all along; right here, in the midst of all this pain, sorrow and heartache. He's here for M, He's here for me and He's here for you.

If you read the book of Job, you will find out that God truly loved Job, even though He allowed satan to destroy all areas of Job's life. After the trial was over, God restored Job's life and blessed him even more than ever.

In Matthew 5:45, God tells us that the sun will rise on the evil and on the good and that rain will fall on the just and on the unjust. So, why should we be shocked when bad things happen to good people?

I cling to what God tells us in the Bible, in Isaiah 43:2, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you."

Father, help us to remember that You are in control, even when we feel like things are out of control and help us to remember that we are in good hands. Yours. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.


Until next time...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My Comforter...

Once again, today was the Lord's day. As you know, last Sunday I wasn't able to go to church to worship, because I could hardly walk even around my home. So, I was glad to be able to attend a worship service, today.

Afterwards, I stopped to see three people and took each of them some flowers. First was my friend B, who is recovering from a fall that broke her leg. Hopefully, since she is now able to get around, albeit not easily, I'm hoping to have her as a guest for dinner, tomorrow.

Then came my friend J's Mom and Dad, as her Mom is recovering from cancer surgery; it was nice that I also got to see J for a short time, for I returned her tape to her. You may recall that she had recorded some movies and 'The Biggest Loser' for me. J was surprised that I was able to return the tape so quickly; it was because I stayed up til 3:00 am watching it!

Last, but not least, was my friend M, who (as you know) is recovering from having a mastectomy. It's always great seeing her. Before I left, we prayed for her, that it is God's will that she not require any further treatment or surgery; she'll find out when she sees her physician, tomorrow. Please pray for her; thank you.

On to the cemetary I went. It was rather cold, today. The wind just seemed to cut through me, so I didn't stay too long at Gordon's grave. Still, somewhere between Gordon's parents' graves and his grave, I lost the tip for my cane. Even though I am able to now walk unassisted on flat surfaces, I am still using it for uneven surfaces (like at the cemetary) or for stairs; hopefully, I will continue improving and won't have to do this for much longer. What did I do? I prayed about it. Then, I tried to retrace my steps, but didn't find it, so decided to leave. Before I got in my van, the Lord led me to look once more. I found it! No, it wasn't visible; the Lord led me to it, though. Earlier, I had tried to use it to remove some snow from Gordon's parents marker; somehow the tip came off and was buried beneath some snow on the outer edge of the marker, not visible. When I arrived at their marker, I used my cane to move some of the snow and...voila! There it was, buried in the snow! Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!

At home, I decided to read for a while. A friend had given me a book: Moving Beyond Grief by Ruth Sissom. Just as I was about to reach the end of the book, I fell asleep in my recliner chair; something I hardly ever do. I suppose it was because I was up so late last night. While it felt good (I love naps!), I hope it won't prevent me from sleeping, tonight!

Life is strange, sometimes. Within the last twenty-four hours or so, I've had some strange communications with friends. Also, some miscommunication regarding my yesterday's blog entry with one out-of-town friend. Things kind of resolved themselves. I knew they would, because God is greater than satan, who always comes to rob, kill and destroy. Still, there is one friend I need to pray for; I've already forgiven him.

God always comforts me, when turmoil or sadness overwhelms me. I am grateful that He loves me. He loves you, too; the Bible tells me so.

One hymn we sang at our worship service was: 'In Christ Alone'. In case you don't know the words, the lyrics are below. I tried to make a link to U-tube for the music, but couldn't seem to do it, so I will give you the link info; copy it and paste it into your browser and you will be able to hear the music. I think it's absolutely beautiful; I hope you enjoy it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8welVgKX8Qo

In Christ Alone (Lyrics):

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Here in the power of Christ, I'll stand.

May God bless you and provide you with peace that goes beyond all understanding, that can only come from Him.


Until next time...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Moving On?

This afternoon, I received an e-mail from my friend M. It was one of those e-mails where you're supposed to answer a bunch of questions about yourself and forward it to others, including the person who sent it to you. One of the questions was: Did you cry, today; if so, when? When I responded, I said, "This morning." Had I opened and read the e-mail tonight, I would have responded differently. I would have said, "This morning, this afternoon and this evening."

It's been a rather sad day for me, today. It seems that no matter how I try, I just cannot seem to move on with my life.

A friend on facebook, who is also a fellow realtor, had invited me to watch her perform at a location in Windsor; another realtor friend was going to be there performing as well. It sounded like it would be a fun thing to do.

For days, I have agonized over whether or not to attend. In the past, I've been invited and have never gone. This time was different, because as I've stated in previous entries, I really intend to try to put the past behind and try to build a new life for myself.

This grief thing doesn't really suit me, for I am a relatively happy person, but with all the pain and suffering Gordon (and I) experienced and with his death, I just feel awful.

If you were me, you would feel awful, too. It's not easy losing the only person in the world who truly loved you, faults and all.

Think I'm exaggerating? I'm not. If you knew the story of my life, you would know that it's been filled with much pain, suffering and sorrow and very little love. Some of it may have been caused by my own poor choices, but I assure you that the majority of it, was not. Does it make a difference? No. The end result is still the same.

Gordon was not a perfect person; he had his faults. I accepted his faults, just the way he accepted mine. Is there any perfect person? God's Word tells me there isn't. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, is what God tells us in Romans 3:23. I trust and believe God. So, anyone who says they are good or has no sin, is lying to themselves.

This evening, there was really nothing on television that interested me, so I got out the VCR tape my friend J, had given me. As you know, she records, "The Biggest Loser" for me, because since the CRTC told NBC Channel 4 WDIV Detroit to reduce their signal, I haven't been able to watch the show or any other programming on that station, because I cannot receive the signal, now.

The tape also had other programming recorded on it, including three movies. So, I decided to watch the first movie: Mrs. Winterbourne. It is a comedy with Shirly MacLaine. It's actually a very good movie; I hope you'll watch it, when you have the chance.

While it is a comedy, it is also a love story. While I do not want to describe the whole story to you, I do want to say that the love in it, overcame all. Even deception.

What is love? A many splendored thing? A feeling? No; it's not. God tells us that love is a choice; we choose to love others. This world seems to be filled with mainly false love and very little true love.

1Corinthians chapter 13 is the love chapter of the Bible. Read it for yourself. Verse 13 tells us, "And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love".

I can tell you that the love I had from Gordon was true love. With many problems in our lives, he could have thrown me away, like a piece of garbage, the way many other people in my life have. He didn't. He loved me, cared for me when I was ill, recovering from several major surgeries, always took care of me, even in his death and put up with me, for I too am an imperfect person. This was true love. And, now it's gone. Forever. And, I'm hurting, because I miss him and because I know I will never again be loved like this.

So, in closing for tonight, I have to tell you, that I could not bring myself to go out alone and listen to my cronies and their music, for I find that I just am not ready to move on with my life. I can't do it.

Hopefully, you're life is much better than mine. Know that I pray for you. Sleep well.


Until next time...

Friday, January 15, 2010

More Firsts!

Stress was the name of the game for the daytime part of today. It seems that any time I have to deal with an issue of Gordon's estate or legal paperwork on a personal level, I become stressed. So, really it wasn't a surprise, just a necessary evil having to go to my lawyer's office, today.

During my travels, I was pleased to have been able to stop and pick up some groceries. It may not seem like much to you, but to me, it was a real blessing. The reason is, because I could walk well enough to do it! Yes, I still used my canes outdoors, but while shopping, I was able to just lean on the cart while walking. Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!

One errand I still need to do will have to wait until next week, but for the most part, it was a productive day.

My friend J, was due to pick me up about 5:30 pm, so I was grateful that God's timing is always perfect. He got me home in time to put my groceries away and make a salad to bring to dinner at my friend M's home.

M, is my friend who is recovering from breast surgery. She and her husband D, along with J and I had a lovely visit and feasted on a delicious supper of salad and pizza, with frozen yogurt and apple pie that J brought for dessert. No, I won't tell you where we got the pizza from, because as D says, if we did we'd have to 'kill' you (hopefully, you know he's joking). However, we do keep it fairly secret, for the restaurant that made our pizza doesn't specialize in pizza, but sure makes it well!

The four of us played a card game called, 'Phase 10'. J brought it with her. When I first introduced J to the game, it was after friends of mine from Milton, ON introduced Gordon and I to the game. In fact, Gordon and I used to play this card game, regularly. If you knew Gordon, you would know that this was a tremendous feat, for he really didn't like playing card games, but he liked this one. However, he wasn't too happy on one occasion when I really skunked him; I won every hand and finished the game with a score of zero (0). He was a good sport; I didn't rub it in, either.

I hadn't played it since he collapsed and died. Part of me was brokenhearted at the thought of playing knowing that Gordon wasn't playing with me, but part of me knew that at some point in time, I would have to bite the bullet and do it. Tonight, was as good a night as ever. So, you see, I did it! I survived another first!

J really likes Phase 10; she tells everyone about it. The funny thing is that whenever M and D got together with Gordon and I, we never played games of any kind. We just enjoyed fellowship time, together. So, it was really another first in my life, because until tonight, I had never played a game of anything with M and D.

We never did finish the game, because we were all pretty tired, especially M. So, we decided to finish on the round when we had all completed phase seven. M had lowest score, so she was the winner. J said she'd keep the score paper for the next time we play; she wants to continue on from there. Whatever they want is fine with me; I'm not hard to please. Have you ever played, 'Phase 10'?

Considering the stressful earlier part of the day, I was very happy with the evening. It was a wonderful, relaxing time with people I love, who love me. Thank you, Lord.

Of course, coming home is always a trial. Entering a dark home, knowing that there's no one to love, or to love me, is not easy. There's no one to hug, kiss hello or goodnight. No one to just relax and share a cup of tea with, watch TV with, or even just sit beside while quietly reading. Yes, I am happy knowing that I will see him again, once I go to heaven. But, what does that really do for me, here on earth? I have to live each day, as long as I'm here.

It gives me peace knowing that Gordon is with Jesus in heaven, knowing that he's not in pain or suffering, any longer. The trouble is that now I am doing all the suffering, alone. Still, I'm thankful that God is the same yesterday, today and forever; that I can count on Him, to lift me up, encourage me and be with me, for He loves.

He loves you, too. The Bible tells me so.


Until next time...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ups and Downs!

Yesterday seemed to be a great day, but after not being able to easily get to sleep, I wondered 'why'?

I realized it had been a great day, because I had not been home, alone and lonely. I realized it was because I had been out and about, spending time with those who care for me and who I care for. It was because we didn't have to discuss Gordon's death, other than we missed him. We laughed and cried. We enjoyed each other's company.

The trouble is, sooner or later you have to come home. Back to earth. Reality. He's not here. You're alone. Everywhere you look, you have reminders of a lost love. It's heartbreaking.

A strange reminder of my loss was, believe it or not, watching Rick Steves' Europe TV show. Today, he was in N. Ireland.

Together, Gordon and I had visited N. Ireland, several times. My Irish family lives there.

When Rick was in Port Rush, I looked at Gordon's photo and began to cry, thinking 'we had been there'. Seeing the 'wishing chair' at Giants Causeway, made me remember when Gordon and some of my Irish family sat there while I took photos; that day, I said that I thought it was more like a 'wishing couch' and not a chair, because there were so many family members in the photo. When Rick showed Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, I thought my heart was going to break open, for I recalled Gordon and some of my Irish family crossing on the rope bridge and visiting the island, while my cousin M and I took photos and filmed the experience. It had been a windy day and the bridge was shut down just after our family crossing. Later, both Gordon and my cousin's husband J, admitted that they each had only crossed because they didn't want the other people to think they were afraid to do so. Why didn't this make me feel good thinking of these great memories? Instead, I found I couldn't stop crying.

Today, as you probably can tell, was a rather 'down' day for me. A let-down after such a great day, yesterday.

There were bright moments. A co-worker/friend of mine M, came to visit. She returned my plate to me, visited and enjoyed a cup of hot chocolate. It was nice to have her visit. Thank you, M!

Work always fills some time and today was no different. One of these days I will have to get my bookkeeping done for the last quarter of 2009, so I can remit my GST. After all, the government is expecting me to do this before the end of the month, so I suppose I will have to force myself to get around to it, soon. Don't you just love those 'round-to-its'?

Late in the afternoon, I began dreading the thought of going to the Grief Counselling program at Parkwood Gospel Temple, because I was feeling so sad, already. Just the thought of thinking, talking and listening about Gordon's and other people's deaths bummed me out. I actually thought about not attending, tonight. Then, I decided I had to give myself a shake and get up and go; just do what you need to do, Lynn.

So, I went and was actually glad I did. Due to confidentiality, I cannot tell you what happened in our meeting, but I'm sure you can imagine. We were divided into one group for men, one group for children and two groups for women. In my group, we had ten women, plus the pastor/counsellor. Afterwards, we had a time of fellowship. It was not easy facing the pain, but now that I'm home, I'm glad I forced myself to go.

And one thing I am really glad about, is having you read my blog. It touches my heart that you care enough to read about the ups and downs of my life, especially since I am suffering grief, at the moment.

Thank you, for caring. I appreciate your love and support. Pleasant dreams.


Until next time...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Beyond Belief!

Today was one of the best days I've had since Gordon died. It was a busy, but wonderful time and I was certainly grateful that I was able to walk better, today. Not perfect, but much easier and less painful than in the last couple of weeks. Praise God!

This morning, I met with my daughter, P. We shared breakfast and of course, we shopped! Isn't that what mom's and daughter's do best?! P showed me an ultrasound of my daughter, B's unborn child; actually, it looks like there may be twins! I just pray that God blesses B with good health, an easy delivery and (a) healthy child(ren). She's not due until late in April, but she's huge, already. In fact, she's about double the size, when compared to her pregnancies when her four sons were born. Time will tell.

Later, I met with my friend L, who lives near to my daughter, P. She told me she was going to e-mail me and ask when I would be able to visit, because it had been a while. We enjoyed a lovely time of fellowship, along with L's husband, J. They taught me a new game: Quiddler. While I had never heard of this card game, I was pleasantly surprised to find it was fun and interesting, even if I did finish in last place!

My friend M, who is still recovering from her breast surgery was waiting, so I headed on over to her home. We never seem to find enough time to yak, but with her off work and me spending the day for myself, we had a good chin wag! She's feeling and seems much better than I thought she would. Hopefully, God will provide her with a speedy and full recovery, with no further need of more treatment or surgery; we are trusting You, for this, Lord.

Yes, it seems I made the 'rounds', today. While I had intended to go to the cemetary, I found I didn't have time in my busy schedule. I rushed home, got some veggies ready and headed out to have dinner at the home of my friends J & W.

Another couple J & E, who is also church family, joined us, so there was five of us at the table. Yesterday, I had written about how I was concerned that I would feel out of place or uncomfortable, because Gordon was not with us. But, the concern was for naught, because both couples made me feel right at home. I suppose this is just what good friends do.

We feasted on a scrumptious meal of roasted pork loin that J & W made, along with all the trimmings, including homemade applesauce and finished up with E's homemade apple pie (sugarless, believe it or not) and frozen vanilla yogurt for dessert. Delicious!

J & W surprised us by bringing out a pile of well-used playing cards that was the equivalent of three decks of cards. It was easy to tell they had previously played the card game: Golf. J & E had played once before, a long time ago, but I had never played this card game. I think it's the kind of game that is better with a group like we had, tonight. Although I wasn't the winner, I didn't place last, either! Boy, did we have fun!

Playing Golf gave us time to chat about life. We shared problems, discussed situations and prayed together, before heading for home.

It was a wonderful day, that I think was just what the doctor ordered. Thank you, Lord!

How one person can feel so very blessed is beyond me, but I feel exactly that way, today. After having so much pain, suffering and sorrow, this is truly the first day that I can say I had a 'good' day since Gordon died; it would have been better if he had been with me, but I can honestly say that under the circumstances, I could not have felt better, both physically and emotionally. Praise God! Thank You, Jesus!

Of course, no matter how blessed I feel, it's still late and I still have to get some rest, so I'll say 'goodnight'.


Until next time...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hide and Seek!

Several people told me today by phone, that it was cold outside. I'm sure it was, but I never found out for myself, for this was one more day when I stayed home and didn't go out.

Thanks to the resting I did over the last few days and the Traumeel tablets, there was less swelling in my knee and I could actually walk unassisted in my home, today. Unlike other days, I cannot say that I rested, because I really didn't. I meant to, but it just didn't happen.

It started when I decided I should prepare for a family birthday, by signing a birthday card I previously bought. Have you ever lost something and couldn't find it, no matter how much you searched? That was me and my problem, today.

In December, I wanted to prepare for 2010, because it's just my nature. And, in the back of my mind, I am still considering travelling later in the year; if I do, it may be through Christmas. After all, this past Christmas was very lonely for me and I have been thinking that I may travel this year, if my knee will allow me to.

Anyway, just in case I do travel later this year, I purchased family Christmas cards and Birthday cards for all my family, a few weeks ago. I had them all in one bag. The last time I saw the cards, I had them in my livingroom and had decided to put them 'away', because I was expecting son K and his family for dinner, in mid December. Whooeee! Away...they are!! No where to be found.

No matter how hard I tried to remember where I put the cards, I just could not recall. I racked my brain. Then looked; I felt like I was a child, playing 'hide and seek'. I came across some items and thought I should go through them; maybe they're here! Wrong. I tried again, finding another spot that I should clear out. Clearing out I did, but to no avail. No cards. Help!

Taking time out, I decided to relax and put my mind in another direction. I tried reconstructing my movements in December. I even prayed about it. On several occasions, I thought I recalled where the cards were put. Nope. No cards.

Oh well, at least I got a lot of 'cleaning out' done. Unfortunately, this has now created another problem, for I realize that I need to be doing spring cleaning and it isn't even spring! lol

Hopefully, before I truly am desperate for the cards, I will find them. If you have any ideas, please let me know! :-))

The blessing in this, is that my knee held up throughout all the walking and exercise I got while working and searching around home. Yes, it still hurts, but at least I could walk with it, unassisted! Tomorrow, when I go out, don't expect me to not use the canes, for I will have to battle some stairs and will need them, but I am grateful for the improvement! Praise God! Thank you, Jesus!

Actually, being home today, I was surprised at how often my phone rang. Between business calls and personal calls, much of my day was spent on the phone, in between cleaning out and searching.

Late in the afternoon, just after I sat down to rest, my phone rang; it was my friend, W. She invited me to dinner, tomorrow evening! Of course, I said, "YES"! In addition to W's husband and son, there will be another couple from church; we are all friends, who used to gather as couples, before Gordon died. It will be the first time I will have dinner with them in a group, since Gordon's death. We women had met for my surprise birthday luncheon, along with some other female friends, but no husbands were present. As everyone knows, this will be a year of many 'firsts', without Gordon. Lord, I'm looking forward to this gathering; please give me strength to deal with being 'alone', without Gordon. I don't want to feel like a fifth wheel or out of place. Thank you, Lord; I'm trusting in You.

This evening, I decided to watch American Idol. I haven't watched this show in a long time. It was a hoot!

It's hard to believe that so many people have the nerve to audition on camera, knowing that they can't sing. Oh well, I suppose it is a chance for some to have their 15 minutes of fame! For those who sing well, I think it is a fabulous opportunity to begin a career in music.

On a more personal level, when I was young, I had several chances for a music career. Unfortunately, stage fright prevented me from ever singing solo, if I knew anyone was watching me or listening to me. While I didn't know it then and do know it now, it was rather sinful, for fear is sin. God told us in His Word many times, not to fear or be afraid. He is with us always, even to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20).

It's funny, but now that I'm in Christ, I don't have that fear and enjoy singing to the glory of God at church functions and meetings. Lord, thank You for freeing me from the sin of fear.

Lord, You know I trust in You for everything in my life. If it is Your will, please put it on my mind where my cards are hiding, for I'm asking this in Jesus' name. Thank You in advance, Lord! Amen.


Until next time...

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Blessing of Friendship...

It's a good thing that I work from home, mostly; it's also good that I have a work-partner who can do the physical stuff I sometimes cannot do. Today, I was able to do a whole lot of computer work that I needed to do. Oops... sorry, I did say previously that I would try to not speak of my work! Of course, I was able to spend time on facebook, too. lol

Today, I was blessed not once, but twice.

My blessing actually began last evening. Friends A and K had dropped by (with their infant daughter, W) for a short visit, after the evening service at our church. This was so nice having them visit, for I truly don't get many visitors. Even when Gordon was alive, we didn't have much company over the last few years. As his health declined and with his mood-swings, it was difficult to make plans too far in advance.

A few years back, A was a prayer partner of mine; she's still a great friend, who I know I can count on for prayer, for I know she loves me, like I love her. Thank you, Lord.

We had become prayer partners about the time when her first husband walked out on their marriage. We spent much time together, both in person and on the phone, praying and being a support to each other. God knew we needed each other. I was glad to be a supportive friend to A.

A is originally from Jamaica. Her Mom came for several months, visiting from Jamaica; that kind of stopped our prayer partnership. Not that we had a falling out or something, for that was not the case, but once her Mom arrived, she filled the void in A's life and our time together faded, as it should have. After all, having her Mom with her was truly the best blessing she could have received. I was happy for A and for her Mom! I was even happier for A, when she eventually married K. I always thought he was a nice fellow, committed to Jesus. Together, they make a lovely couple, committed to God.

Anyway, as I said previously, A, K and W came to visit, because I had not worshipped at church, due to my painful knee that was preventing me from walking. It was so nice to have them visit. And, not just because they brought me two delicious muffins from Tim Horton's!

Concerned for me and wanting me to be able to feel better regarding Gordon's death, they brought a book for me to read called, "Moving Beyond Grief". Hopefully, this will help. To be honest, I was shocked last Thursday, when the Grief Counsellor thought I was awfully brave for beginning this class only 11 weeks after Gordon's death. It now has me wondering if it's too soon for grief counselling. Time will tell.

We had a nice visit. During our conversation, A's husband, K found out that I had (even with a painful knee) shovelled snow several times; he offered to go and do that in the future, claiming that it wouldn't take much time after work for him to do this. I was 'floored' that K offered to do this for me, but very thankful.

Today, K shovelled the snow we received. Thank you, so very much, K! Know that I am praying it is God's will that we not receive too much snow and certainly not very often, this winter!

My friend J, the single woman who is such a great friend and companion to me, offered to pick up some 'Traumeel' for me from my Chiropractor's office, on her way home; it is a homeopathic preparation that works well for me. She said that she thought I shouldn't go out, unless it was absolutely necessary, because the weather wasn't good.

You see, on the weekend when my Chiropractor's office was closed, I remembered that I had some of those tiny pills which help inflammation and pain. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about them, for I don't often need to use them. When I found them and went to take one, I found it was the last in the container. Yes, even the one pill helped; I took it at bedtime and found I could walk and bend my knee easier, the next morning.

Believe me, I was grateful that J took the time to pick up and deliver to me, the Traumeel. She is such a great friend, for always wanting to be there for me; she also knows I would do it for her. When she arrived with her delivery we had a short, but nice, visit. Thank you, J!

God has truly blessed me. Psalm 25:16 was an appropriate verse for me, lately. It reads, "Turn yourself to me, and have mercy on me; For I am desolate and afflicted". Don't you think that kind of describes my situation, lately? I do. Lonely, heartbroken and in ill-health, of late. But, God, in His great mercy, provided for me, without me even asking anyone for help. I'm blessed and I know it. Thank you, Father! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Holy Spirit!


Until next time...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Silent Reverie...

As like yesterday, today I stayed in and rested my knee. It was a little easier to get around, for I only had to use one cane, today. The sad part for me was that I did not go to worship God at church, like I usually do.

Nor, did I go to the cemetary to Gordon's grave. This is almost unreal for me, because today it is three months since Gordon died. I can hardly believe it, for it seems like yesterday, yet it also seems like an eternity. There are times when I think I will be okay, but there are other times when I feel like I'm going to die from the pain.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I like to sing acapella (without music), which is good, because although I am musical, I never learned to play an instrument.

In addition, I like to re-write lyrics of secular songs, to convert them into praise and/or worship songs. One thing God did for me shortly after Gordon died, is that He put a song on my heart; He does this sometimes. It gave me a measure of comfort.

At first, I didn't think the song was really suitable for Gordon's situation, but I trusted God. He showed me that the song was for more people than just Gordon.

After I heard about Gordon's friend who took his own life (read yesterday's entry) and recalled how my own Dad had also been a victim of our broken healthcare system that is supposed to, but does not provide medical care for all (as it is set up to do), I realized why God had put Sara McLachlan's song: Angel on my heart.

Each of these people had their own silent reverie (prayer or dream) that was not fulfilled. In my opinion, each had their futures stolen by vultures and thieves, who earned their living without giving the medical care each one required.

Gordon used to tell me that he felt okay, even when I knew he really didn't. Depression was like a storm that just kept on building, because he just didn't feel 'good enough' (worthy and priviledged) to be able to break through the 'glass wall' of our medical system and receive the medical treatment he knew was there and needed, so badly. Sleep and other things became his escape.

Here is my re-written lyrical version of Sara McLachlan's, Angel; I hope you enjoy it:

You spend all your time waiting
for that second chance,
for a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
to feel not good enough;
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction;
a beautiful release.
Memories seep through my veins.
Let me be empty...
oh, and weightless... and maybe...
I'll... find some peace, tonight.

In the arms of Jesus
fly away from here,
from this dark, cold existence
and the endlessness you fear.
You're being pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of Jesus.
You will find...
comfort here.

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turned,
there were vultures and thieves at your back.
The storm kept on twistin;
kept on building on lies
that you made up, for all that you lacked.
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time.
It was easier to believe
in that sweet madness
oh, that glorious sadness...
that brought you to... your... knees.

In the arms of Jesus
you flew away from here,
from this dark, cold existence
and the endlessness you feared.
Oh, you were pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie.
You're in the arms of Jesus.
You will find...
comfort there.

You're in the arms... of... Jesus.
You will find...
comfort...
there.
Oh... with Jesus.



Until next time...

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Glass Wall...

Didn't really do much today, mainly due to the fact that my knee didn't want to bend and was so painful that I really could not walk. Even in my apartment, I found I had to use canes to get around. Not good. So I just rested and iced my knee.

So, after doing virtually nothing, how could I possibly be so tired that I keep falling asleep while watching television? For some reason, I just cannot keep my eyes open!

Earlier today, while on facebook, a friend of mine M, who was from the Windsor area but now lives in Florida with her children, chatted me up. Not to change the subject, but did you know that as a child, I lived in the U.S.A. for about four years? Yes, I did; and, I pledged allegiance every day at school.

During our conversation, she let me know that she still owes a balance on her recent medical bill and was rather upset about the fee she pays for her medical insurance. She commented that in the U.S.A., people work hard all their lives, just to get sick and pay all their savings to cover the costs of medical appointments and treatments. I agreed with her. It's true. It's okay if you're young and healthy in U.S.A. However, if you get sick, you'd better be fortunate enough to have insurance. This is one reason why I didn't move to Arizona, years ago when I thought about doing so. I wasn't young and healthy.

However, this does not change my opinion about what happened with Gordon and continues to happen to others like him. If our government is going to tax us to pay for a system that is supposed to cover our medical appointments and treatments, then it should cover these for ALL people who are in need and not LIMIT treatment to only one segment of the population (e.g. cancer patients, only), leaving people like Gordon out in the cold, unable to receive treatment for what ails them, even though that treatment is available in Canada. Even worse, not allowing the patient to obtain treatment outside Canada, if Canada is not willing to provide the treatment, here.

As I've stated before, much worse is the fact that our Ontario government is spending MILLIONS of dollars in advertising, promoting our healthcare system. Again, could someone please explain to me why our government advertises this way, at all? Do we have a choice? Is this something we elect to participate in? No. It's mandatory to participate. Like it or not, our hard earned tax dollars pay for this system, whether we like it or not. We're stuck with it. And, so was Gordon.

He's dead. If it wasn't so sad, it would almost be funny to think that in the medical field, they bury their mistakes and neglects; it doesn't leave anyone behind to complain, except for loved ones, like me.

Just like all others like him, who needed treatment and could not obtain it, through our medical plan, Gordon suffered in many ways. I have in my possession a letter from one of his physicians, confirming that he has other patients with similar problems to Gordon, who experience similar symptoms. Gordon wasn't alone.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this previously, but Gordon had a friend, who had a different medical problem than himself. He tried to obtain treatment and suffered in pain. The longer it went on, the more depressed Gordon's friend became. To make matters worse, he had been given a drug that was addictive and then battled addiction problems.

Both Gordon's friend and his friend's wife tried desperately to obtain the help Gordon's friend needed. They never got it. Gordon's friend's wife came home from work one day and found her husband (Gordon's friend) had hung himself. Try and live with that!

Sorry, no one will change my mind. We have a good medical system. The problem is that it only services most of the population and not all of the population, the way it was designed to do. Therefore, some people fall through the cracks. Or, in my way of thinking, can't break through the 'glass wall', to get the treatment they require.

That's okay. God's in control...of everything. I forgive those who hurt Gordon. I pray for them, that each person will come to a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, for this will be their only escape from hell. Everyone needs to be trusting in Jesus, in order to go to heaven when their life on earth ends, as written in John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life". In addition, Jesus said, "I am the way the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father, except by me." John 14:6. If you need more proof, read the New Testament portion of the Bible, for yourself. You'll realize that everyone needs to be trusting/believing in Jesus if they want to have eternal life in heaven and not in hell.

So, you see, my upset is not caused by being unforgiving, for I have forgiven; it's because I recognize a faulty system that needs repair, so others do not have to suffer the way Gordon and others have done and continue to do; and, I feel rather helpless to do anything about it, just as I felt helpless about not being able to do anything to help Gordon.

To my friend M, who lives in Florida and to all Americans (including some of my relatives) who may at some point in time read this blog, I can only say that I hope if/when the U.S.A. creates a medical care system that it is a comprehensive system set up to include treatment for ALL, so there won't be a problem with having to try to break through a medical glass wall, where you can see the treatment you need, but can't get to it.

Until next time...

Friday, January 8, 2010

Right, Wrong and Truth...

As per usual, my morning was filled with my usual tasks, but I was also able to update my facebook stuff, as well.

This afternoon, I shopped at Joseph's Fruit Market and Metro (previously A & P) for a few things. It sounds easy, but actually, today it was rather difficult, because my knee was again giving out on me and I had to walk using two canes, again.

At the house, I noticed an older East Indian man shovelling, next door. At first, I thought that he had a shovel like mine, but then when I went to get mine to use it to once again clear the snow from the walks/steps, my shovel wasn't there. I asked him if it was my shovel he was using; he replied that it was and that the fellow that lives in the house gave it to him to use.

Then, one of the students who lives next door opened their door. He admitted that he gave the man the shovel to use. Normally, I wouldn't mind if a neighbour borrowed something of ours, but this did not sit well with me, mainly due to the unneighbourly stuff that has gone on, in the past.

You see, previously, Gordon used to do all this stuff at the house, but now I am having to do it. I don't like finding that they are storing their garbage on my property, or that they dumped onto my property all the trimmings from their tree, or that they are using my garbage containers, entering my backyard and the worst...parking on part of my property and leaving ruts in the grass (in the better weather). In the fall, I even wondered if they were using my electricity, for my bill was higher than normal, for no reason. I found it rather offensive and nervy that they would hire someone to shovel snow and in essence, steal my shovel to do it.

The university student got angry at me, claiming he didn't know it was my shovel; I told him that I knew he was lying, because he entered my property through my gate and went into the yard, to retrieve it and give it to the man shovelling. I let him know that he in essence stole the use of my shovel. Now, I wouldn't have minded, if he would have asked me and probably would have loaned it to him; but, this crew doesn't seem to work that way, nor do they care about anyone else or anyone else's property. Truly, I'm fed up and let him know it. I made it clear that he/they may have gotten away with stuff like this when Gordon was around, but no more, because they have to deal with me, now.

Yes, when I have to, I can be forthright and stand up for what is right. Tenacity is one of my virtues. Who else do you know that has neck/back/shoulder problems and needs two canes just to walk, who would go to a house and shovel snow. If you know someone like this, let them know from me that I applaude them, for I know how difficult it is to function like this.

After seeing my daughter, P for a few minutes, I went again to South Windsor, to visit my friend, M who, as you know is recovering from having a mastectomy a couple of days ago. I have to give M credit; she thought this was her 'bad' day, but I thought she was doing great. She seems to be so very positive; I know that this is because she lost her first husband to cancer and understands the importance of keeping a positive attitude. Please pray that there isn't any cancer cells in the lymph nodes that are being tested, for if there are, she will require further surgery and treatment of possibly both radiation and chemotherapy.

Lord, if it is Your will, I/we ask You to wrap Your loving arms around M, lift her up, encourage her at this time. Father, I/we ask that it is Your will that no further cancer cells be found that would require M to have further surgery and/or treatments. I/we are trusting You to provide M with a speedy and complete recovery. I/we know that Your will is always done and know that You told us that whatever we ask in the name of Jesus, that You will give us the desire of our heart, if it is Your will, so we are trusting this request is Your will for M's life. We thank You for this, in advance. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

My friend, J was coming for dinner; I made us Chinese. We enjoyed a nice time of fellowship, before heading out to Tim Horton's on Tecumseh Rd. E. at Chandler. Yes, we met there last Friday, but because it was a holiday and some people couldn't make it, we met there again, tonight. Just a reminder that if you are single, you are welcome to meet with us on the first Friday of each month. J is the organizer and I must say, she does a wonderful job of it!

There was about a dozen of us; we took up three tables that we made into one long table. While there was mostly women, three men did attend, two of which I have known for a long time. We had a riot! There was hardly a time of quiet with our group. In fact, I hadn't laughed that hard, in a long time. Thank you, Lord.

The problem is that no matter how busy I keep myself (and I do try to keep myself busy), there is always a time when I must be at home, alone and lonely, missing Gordon. Thank You, Lord, for loving me, providing for me, leading me and guiding me, for I know that all good things come from You. Please help me to adjust to my 'new' life, because sometimes I feel like my insides are being torn apart and that I will not live through this horrible nightmare of grief.

It's well past my bedtime and may be past yours as well, so I pray that you will have a restful sleep.

Until next time...