Lord, thank You for helping through another milestone. Today began as a day that I was dreading, for it's Christmas Eve. My first without my husband, Gordon.
Believe it or not, today I made some real estate calls that were important, but most of the early part of the day was just a sob-story for me. I admit it; I was a basket case. I hate feeling this way, especially because I've had Christian brothers/sisters compliment me on being so strong, or being 'like a rock'. I always let people know that I am not strong, but weak; that it is Jesus that helps me through each day.
Yes, I am happy that it is Christmas Eve, for without my Saviour, where would I be? Heading for hell, for sure. I'm grateful that Jesus came to earth, to fulfil God the Father's redemption plan, to save me and all who will believe.
This afternoon, while feeling very low in spirit, I decided to go out for a meal. This was not to be, for both restaurants I went to were already closed; it was shocking, for it wasn't even 3:00 pm, yet! No, I didn't end up eating out; I just came home and decided to update my facebook games, etc.
On my way to church, I purchased milk and decided to pick some up for my daughter, P and her family. With three growing boys, I know she can always use extra milk! Since she lives fairly close to where my church is located, it gave me a chance to see her for a few minutes. No, she and her family didn't come to church with me; it seems there was too much to do, especially since tomorrow they will be heading out of town, to celebrate Christmas with other relatives.
Our Christmas Eve service was a blessing. The music was beautiful and included both children and adults. Of course, our Pastor's message was great! Still, I had dreaded all day attending this evening, not just because Gordon wasn't with me, but also because I knew that at some point during the service, we would be singing Christmas carols. Sure enough, Gordon's favourite was on the order of service: Silent Night.
In Christmas' past, whenever we sang Silent Night, Gordon would always cry. He just could not sing that carol, without tears flowing. You can believe that I silently prayed for extra grace, to be able to get through this worship time, that's usually such a favourite of mine, without becoming a blubbering fool. Thank you, dear God, for helping me. I even managed to sing most of Silent Night, with only shedding a silent tear in the middle. Thank you, for the grace I needed, Lord. What would I do without you?
Some of you may know that both Gordon and I taught English as a second language (ESL) at our church. Because it is located close to the University, most of our students have been international students, mainly from China or Korea. One of our past students, X sat beside me during the service; her roommate, E could not attend, but sent her regards. Both young women gave me some lovely gifts, sent from China. Hopefully, they enjoyed their gifts, also.
After dropping X at her apartment, I made my way home, only to realize that I had forgotten to drop off Christmas gifts for my great-granddaughter, O and her family, so I doubled back and made my delivery.
It seemed that I never had a second to spare this evening, for upon returning home, I found a message on my answering machine, from Gordon's and my friend, B. You may recall that he was the only male who attended my friend, J's dinner party, recently. So, I took the time to return his call, wishing him a very Merry Christmas and letting him know that I would be praying for travelling mercies for him as he travels to Ottawa, tomorrow.
Just as I was about to begin writing tonight's entry, a knock came at my door. My across the hall neighbour/friend, K came in to visit. Here we are, both of us in our robes, laughing and crying together. Actually, I think she was crying more because today is her 60th birthday, than for any other reason (lol)! K was widowed many years ago. She has taken me 'under her wing' and checks in on me, periodically. Just before she left, K showed me a little laughing stuffed pig that she had purchased for one of her granddaughters. It made us both laugh to hear this pig laughing and watch it roll all over the floor in its fit of laughter. Thank you, K. Your laughing pig, certainly topped off today in a way I never expected!
Let's face it. I'm blessed and I know it. Still, it is a lonely time, for I am not able to be with my Gordon.
I would not wish Gordon back, to be with me in this world and suffer as he did. Tonight, he's in heaven with his Saviour, our Lord Jesus. He's with his parents, grandparents and other relatives that went before him. He's with cousin Ronnie (from Aghadowey, N. Ireland).He's celebrating his first Christmas with his infant daughter, K who died a couple of days after birth. How could I or anyone not be happy for him.
Karen Carpenter sang a song that is so fitting for this night: Merry Christmas, Darling. You can find it at:
The lyrics are a fitting way to say goodnight:
The logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Merry Christmas, darling
Until next time...